Ok, I just read that shit on MikeSouth.com.

While I find Mike to be an intelligent guy who usually prints good shit, he obviously dipped into too much free wine at the local Atlanta Italian restaurant.

Scrotum Licker? Jesus Christ, I’ve never admitted to that, how did you know?

Secondly, please don’t compare DP to KSEX ever. Let me give you an example, Radio Shack….The Biltmore. Thank you.

If you’re looking for free plugs Tim, consult me first. As a STAFFer now on KSEX, you’re going to have to tolerate spokespeople who are actually FUNNY speaking for you.

Thank you,

Wankus
KSEXradio.com
[Purple Background…goes better with black hair-you’ll see with Tera -oops, did I say that]

The phone rings, and the Caller ID tells me it’s not Harry Weiss, so I pick up. The voice on the other end of the cell phone speaks in an instantly recognizable, distinctly Southern drawl.

“Yer in trouble, Bubba, and I’m gonna have to fire ya. You’ve lost your edge. You used to be funny…a bit twisted and fruity, maybe, but still funny. Baking in all that California sunshine’s ruined you.”

Damn. Right off the bat with the bitching - he’s getting worse than Goddess. I wonder for a moment if my bank account can handle the drop in income if Mike lets me go, then suddenly remember that he doesn’t pay me.

“What the hell are you talking about, Mike?” I asked. “I’m still funny. Ask anyone. That scrotum-licking freak Wankus just hired me to do my own weekly show on KSEX starting June 10th - both Sean Michaels and Bud Lee want me to write scripts for them - hell, I’m still responsible for the best shit you’ll ever publish on that gossip-ridden, self-promoting, dead-fish-illustrated, Adella’s-butt kissing website of yours. Not to mention I have two books I’m writing.”

His easy chuckle lets me know he’s way ahead of me. “First of all, monkey-nuts, Wankus gave you that KSEX show on the outside chance that you might be able to drag Felicia Fox’s ass off set long enough for her to co-host it with you occasionally. He’s hoping you two will act stupid and draw a regular audience to KSEXradio on Tuesdays, thus keeping everyone from watching “DP Tonight”, which I sponsor and which you’re practically going head-to-head against every other week. You know how people at the zoo gather around the monkey cage to watch ‘em all beat off…you guys are the KSEX monkeys. And, by the way, I’ll flap my arms and fly to the moon before you ever finish either of those fucking books.”

“Uh huh,” I said, deftly changing the subject. “Like you think going head to head with Jesse Jane would be a BAD thing…”

“Yer a pervert.”

“Hell yes, I am. And Jesse’s fucking hot.”

“You know, is Fifi still able to pussy fart on command? Y’all might be able to get some people to listen to that show of yours once or twice if she can.”

“Yeah, Mike, that’ll fill up a good half hour. Then we’ll have Kiki on and she can bring her whips and restraints and tie me up and beat me. Hey, are you being serious? How can you say I’ve lost my edge?”

“Dude, it’s true. I don’t know what’s wrong with you. You used to write funny shit…fake interviews with Richard Gere, stories about driving across the whole country with strippers and breaking down in Kentucky in the middle of the night and shit like that. Stuff people really wanted to read. Hell, people used to come to my site just to see what was going on with your crazy, fucked-up life….Dick Freeman, Steve Lane. Even Carly used to like you. Now all you do is call me with all this shit I can’t print cause as far as you’re concerned everything’s Off The Fucking Record.”

“Well - it’s different now, Mike. I’m out here living in Porn Valley. I’m around these people all the time. I actually LIKE most of them, man. I’m not out in bumfuck like you, slinging mud across state lines and never having to worry about actually seeing anyone in person until January rolls around. Hell, I even like the ones who are totally insane…”

“Like Cynara Fox?”

“You said that, I didn’t.”

“Look, Brother - you give me one fucking story that I can print. Something good…something weird that will get people talking again. Do something for my Alexa rankings. Give me something so far out there that no one in porn will fucking believe it’s true, even though they’ll all suspect it is.”

“Okay…uh…Nic Andrews is secretly banging Felicia Fox.”

“Yer ass. Try again.”

“Steve Seidman shaved his head.”

“I’m hanging up now…”

“Nick Manning is totally straight.”

“Horseshit.”

“Robby D. has three testicles.”

“I’m gonna kick yer ass…”

“Okay, okay - wait — here goes. The story of the year. Miss Alexa Rae is not a flake at all - she’s a very responsible young woman who is gorgeous and sexy as hell, she reads Tennessee Williams in her spare time, and she’s really working hard to turn her life around. I like her a hell of a lot.”

I wait, listening to the dead silence on the other end. Then, very quietly, he says “You know, I liked you a lot better as a cameraman.” Then Mike South hangs up on me.

Jesus Christ….go please the fucking world!

OK for starters I don’t kiss Adella’s ass, I suspect she’d be the first to verify that I would kiss Jesse Jane anywhere she wanted though prolly Devon too but I don’t think Devon likes me very much. Now don’t think for one minute I don’t know what you are up to here, the only reason you wrote this is to promo your KSEX show and you knew I wouldn’t do it unless you disguised it as some sort of humorous story. As for battling it out with DPTonight all I can say is if you ever run a video feed of this show of yours please see to it that the audio and the video are at least almost in sync and that the background is ANYTHING but black. Hell if DPTonight had a Video Team Night you’d never be able to see anybody, just eyes and teeth. Maybe I will send the fine folks at Digital Playground and new backdrop, something in the way of a big Mikesouth.com banner….or better even, a southernbukkake.com banner.

Oh ya and don’t break yer arm pattin yerself on the back over scripts for Bud Lee and Sean Michaels, while I like both these guys lets face it porn scripts ain’t exactly on a par with “Cool Hand Luke”

Hey honey,
first of all, I just wanted to say thank you for posting my interview. It seems to be getting a lot of positive response! I hope, over time, we will become friends, and be able to look back at this and laugh!

And, it seems that people want to know more about the Max and Charley Frey issue. My answer to that is the following:
My whole purpose of doing this interview was to show that I have grown up and that I no longer lash out at people. However, I have NOTHING remotely positive to say about either person. Talking about either one would exemplify my bad, ghetto side, so, I chose to plead the fifth on both people!!!

Also, I wanted to tell you and eveyone that my OFFICIAL site is up! It’s still under construction, but its up for the most part!

here is the url

www.raeoflight.net

check it out!

Much love
Alexa Rae

Well Alexa, so far the response to your interview has been overwelmingly positive. Most everyone even commented that it was a solid interview and well balanced. I look forward to meeting you in person someday! Thank You for being candid and honest!

On the left is a King Mackeral, the blood around his mouth is mine, not his! Here’s how it happened: I landed him and removed the hook from his mouth. He was laying in the bottom of the boat, in the net, as I removed the hook he flipped and jumped out of the net. Justt at that time we went over a swell and the fish slid towards the back of the boat, directly at my ankle. As soon as he got close he opened his mouth and as soon as he made contact he clamped down! It was the coolest thing that ever happened to me while fishing!

To see the rest of the pictures click here!

Bob Writes: Whatever Happened to Logan LaBrent?

Last I heard Logan is alive and well and dancing at The Crazy Horse Too In Las Vegas.

Dear Cap’n,
How on god’s green sea do you expect to get Adella in your boat, now that she’s seen that photo?
Yours,
Dick

Well Dick I have come to the conclusion that A-dell is just another typical pornchick….I don’t think there’s any danger of Adell sowing up in Mexico Beach despite her carrying on aboput how much she and Sam want to go. A-Dell has a boyfriend now it seems and so she is all wrapped up in that…you know how pornchicks are….

Okay heres the countdown to how long it takes Adell to call me about this 10…9…8…7…6 RING!…I Knew it!

Richard Freeman Writes:

Dear Cap’n,
You need to call Sharon Mitchell & find out about getting rabies shots for that nasty fish bite of yours.
Yours,
Dick Freeman

I KNEW someone was gonna write that….

Mark Kernes Disagrees With Me:

You wrote:

<< It seems that the person who refused to take the AIM sponsored STD Battery went and got it elsewhere, maybe he is wise to do so. presumeably this person is Brian Pumper>>

Nope.

Look, I know you don’t particularly like AIM, but to go off on them for not speaking out about choking seems a bit disingenuous to me. Last I heard, AIM is there to take blood and piss and send it off to be tested, and occasionally they have counseling sessions that take place there for relationships and other stuff. Nowhere in their charter (which I’ve never seen, but I kinda think I’m on solid ground here) does it say anything about upgrading the types of sexual activities that get shot throughout the industry.

Hell, what’s weirder than two dicks sharing the same pussy or ass — the REAL type of “double penetration”? Even one in EACH hole strikes me as wretched excess. Your point that if someone doesn’t know that being choked can kill them was well-taken: They should seriously consider secretarial work or selling life insurance. Hopefully, one does not leave one’s brain behind when one walks on a porn set!

But that’s the main point: If you’re shooting a scene and somebody asks you to do something that makes you uncomfortable AND MAY EVEN KILL YOU, that’s the time to speak up, and no decent person will blame you for it. (Of course, if you knew what you were signing on for when you accepted the booking, that’s conceivably another story — but if you know what’s supposed to happen up front, agree to it and then back out when you’re in the clinch, I’d seriously suggest another line of work.)

I see nothing erotic about choking, but some of my (female) friends tell me they get off on it, so I’m willing to admit the possibility that my own sensibilities are off. But if a woman tried to choke ME while I was having sex with her (yeah, like THAT’s gonna happen), I’d seriously think about the future of that relationship.

Kernes

Oddly enough I am not really anti AIM truth is I think they could be doing a helluva lot better job and I’m doing my part to push them to do so, after all they ARE all we’ve got. I strongly disagree with one of Mark’s points though, it is NEVER, EVER too late to change your mind about getting killed.

AIM Fucks Up Again: Apornchick Writes:

Aim also seems to misdiagnose a bit— once they told me I had PID ( this was when I was doing condom-only) and had had no outside sex for over a month ( yes — you can get it from toys pushing your own bacteria up too far, etc, even from douching but let’s just say my sex was pretty safe). I had done just one scene and told the girl I’d done the scene with— cancelled another scene. Went to see my vaginacologist who said ” who told you you had PID? There is no sign of that but you have a cyst on your ovary — it’s abnormally large and that’s what is causing your pain.” I asked him specifically about PID and any other possible STDs and he tested everything he could—found nothing but a cyst, which he kept an eye on for about a month and it went down….
Who would you trust? I trust my doctor. I asked him specifically about stds and he basically said any idiot could’ve felt that cyst (they’d sent me to their dr. who is a real dr. of course and I’m not saying he’s not qualified, but my doctor already knew me, ahem, inside and out. Hell I was in there almost every month asking about something– he finally said-=– you’re a little paranoid sweetie.
If they can diagnose someone with something they DON’T have, seems logical they might miss something they DO have. Sharon is amazingly nice. I’ve found everyone at AIM really great, but that really made me doubt them a bit– granted when I called and said something was wrong–they got me in with the dr. right away and told me not to do scenes, which is good. They told me to inform people I worked with— also good.But I didn’t have anything—
So why can’t they stop this Pumper guy from working— This is some of the seedy shit I hate about porn Mr. Mike. I’ve another story to tell you too, but I want to tell you in person and see what you think— another misdiagnosis story—just don’t want to email it– you may find it interesting though—
I’ll tell ya next week.
This business could be so great with just a little cooperation from everyone—trouble is–there are so many morons fucking it up for the cool people that
respect themselves, their bodies, and the bodies of their co-workers. Jeez–it’s not rocket-science—and you should know that!!! There’s some great
people out there– and there’s some real creeps.

This little girl is dead on the money here, I like Sharon too but bottom line is that a wrong diagnosis for any reason in inexcuseable, when it invloves the health and welfare of another. Now I realize mistakes do happen so I called an OB/Gyn and asked how easily could a rather large ovarian cyst be mistaken for PID. Her response “Only by a complete idiot” Nuff said.

Judging from all it’s posturing and lip service you’d think AIM is all about the health and safety of the performers in this biz.

Really?

It seems that the person who refused to take the AIM sponsored STD Battery went and got it elsewhere, maybe he is wise to do so. presumeably this person is Brian Pumper and presumeably he has a clean STD battery from a clinic other than AIM. He doesn’t trust AIM. Why should he?

AIM makes a lot of noise about the health and welfare of the performers BUT

Where is AIM on the things that are really dangerous to our performers?

Ass to Mouth: This practice these days has lead to far more serious infections than Chlamydia or The clap, including Staph infections, strep and hepatitis not to mention about a zillion others. AIM says “Nothing”

Choking: This common practice routinely leads to a terminal illness better known as the old dirt nap…aka Death…When it doesn’t lead to death it often causes brain damage exactly like that you get from a stroke. AIM says “Nothing”

Lets face it the ONLY reason this STD thing became an issue with AIM is because the LA Times made it an issue and LA lawmakers jumped on board.

I’m in favor of mandatory testing for porn, mandatory IQ testing…If you are too fucking stupid to know that choking a person can kill them you are too fucking stupid even for porn….become a politician, probably a Democrat.

XXX: this ain’t gonna be big news to anyone who knows her
XXX: but you want to know why pleasure didn’t release a current photo of chasey lain when they announced her recent signing to a contract?
South1226: cuz she is BUTT ugly?
XXX: she burnt all her fucking hair off in a freak freebasing accident
XXX: just happened ten days ago

Sources tell me that Chasey is MAJOR fucked up…a poster child for drug abuse.

It’s Memorial Day!

I hope you all had an excellent holiday weekend, I know I did! But lets not forget those who have made the ultimate sacrifice to maintain our freedom and our way of life. It is because of those people that we all did whatever it was we did this weekend, take a moment today and thanks them.

And Then Thank Them Again on Election Day:

Thanok them buy tossing out the sorry bloodsucking, tax fattened scumbags we have in government offices. I’m not talking about everyones else’s scumbags I am talking about YOUR scumbags. If your candidate wants to abridge your right to free speech, free press, free religion, free assembly, to carry arms or to erode your constitutional rights, all in the name of “security” or the “war on drugs” or other such nonsense…get rid of his or her sorry ass. They may make you FEEL a bit more secure, but who will be left to secure you from your government? Every right we have was protected and secured with a gun, never forget that.

Things that Make you say “Hmmmm”

When Tabitha and Jonathon Stern forged an HIV test Sharon Mitchell and AIM had no qualms about telling anyone who would listen. When Brian Pumper allegedly was doing essentially the same thing they wouldn’t say a word…..Tabitha and Jonathon don’t work with others, period. Brian Pumper has been accussed of starting rounds of Chlamydia and The Clap on two occeassions.

Fifi in “Star”

Felecia Fox, better known around these parts as “Fifi” is in the May 27th issue of Star Magazine. Seems Fifi rents from Oscar nominated actress Ronee Blakely and Blakely has decided she doesn’t want to rent to a porn chick even though she knew ahead of time what Fifi does. Fifi has never been late with a payment or anything, it seems Ronee has a habit of getting renters then tossing them in order to keep the deposit, first and last months rent etc. See Hollywood types will fuck you just as fast as porners will.

Apparently theres a guy in porn who is refusing to take the AIM administered STD tests, AIM won’t name him but my sources say it’s Brian Pumper, if you are scheduled for a scene with Brian you might want to check his tests, it is also rumored that they are being faked, so I would also suggest a followup phonecall to AIM.

If AIM can’t release the name of this guy what’s the point of even having AIM?

Quasarman Apparently Going an About Face on Alexa:

It appears that like me, Quas is ready to give her another chance, he contacted me today fort Alexa’s contact info, but I am out of town, I will put them in touch as soon as I get back to Atlanta. I will give Alexa Quas’s number…Alexa, call me on my cell and I will put ya in touch beforehand if ya want.

Richard Freeman Publisher of Batteries Not Included and Obviously Nautically challenged Writes:

Dear Cap’n,
Alexa interview definitely goes into BNI… though considering your frequent disasters at sea, she might want to think again about going out in your bass
boat.
Yours,
Dick

Well Dick, “This Side Up” is 30 feet long, over 10 feet across and the bow is over ten feet above the water and boasts 2, 200 HP Engines, it is designed for kind of wear and tear that the ocean can put on a boat and on a body. A Bass Boat on the other hand is designed to get drunken Redman chewing rednecks across calm water at breakneck speeds. Lets face it, you fuck up on Lake Lanier swiming to shore is pretty easy, even drunk…You fuck up 30 miles out at sea and your life is in serious danger, you aint gonna swim to shore. You lose sight of land you better know how to read a compass and vector wind and water currents…make a mistake and head the wrong direction and you run out of gas 250 miles into the middle of the Gulf of Mexico. Good luck getting AAA there. But I digress.

And From Dave Cumming, a Great American:

I find the below contribution by Robert Lombard to be extremely valuable for ALL of us, whether or not we’re personally in recovery or coping/enjoying/etc life. His wisdom and sharing comments are indeed useful in so much of what we do/say/feel/practice/etc. It’s nice to see such a positive outlook on life. Thanks Robert for your comments, AND for being a true gentleman in our Industry!!

Regards,

Dave
www.davecummings.com

And From Lisa and Alexa:

Hey Mike,

I just wanted to say thank you for the good press and we appreciate you being true to our words. We truly appreciate you shedding light on both of our feelings and situations! Trust is very important to me. If there is anything we can ever do for you please don’t hesitate to ask. Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

Sincerely,

Lisa & Alexa

This is What it Sounds Like When Tim Case Sucks Up:

Mike…

“I think you are a sex symbol. In fact, I only wanted to see the movie because I knew YOU were doing the fucking. Women watch these movies to, and in my case, I dont watch them to see the women.”

This woman is obviously disturbed and needs to be under the constant care of mental health professionals. I’m betting it’s Jolee from “Condederate Cuties #5″ (Avalon).

Can you run this gratuitous picture of Fifi? Our KSEX show starts on June 2 and I’d like to include a phone call to you as a regular part of the show, if you’re interested.

possible caption for photo “Felicia can’t figure out why the guys at the gym always offer to spot for her.”

Love ya

Tim Case

Hmmm I dunno…a regular part of the show? I don’t have many opinions really…LOL Of course I will do it. And here’s the love of Tim Case’s life, whom I have carnal knowledge of.

Oh and I have a better caption…Fifi says “This is tha damndest Motorcycle I have ever seen, it ain’t got no wheels and damn if I can find the kick starter.”

Fuck Maynard