I spent a part of the
morning calling people in South’s address book to see
if I could get some free tickets to the Braves game. I
explained how I was his girl friend and that he had
told me the person on the other end of the phone was
someone he knew he could rely on in any situation.
Then I hit ‘em up for the tickets. Once I managed to
score the tickets, I remembered how much I hate the
Braves. Ever since they gave it to the Pirates up the
ass three years in a row in the playoffs. Stan
Belinda…mutter mutter. So I hiked it down to the
stadium, sold the tickets and used the money to buy
something I hadn’t bought in a long, long time:
scratch off lottery tickets. I won two more bucks!!
The hoods at the corner still haven’t attempted to
steal my Rio. Just last night I went out and pointed
out the fact that the exhaust system cost me $500 to
have replaced, but they didn’t seem impressed. What
does a girl have to do around here to get her car
stolen?! I’m starting to get pissed. When I was at
McDonald’s yesterday, I noticed someone in the parking
lot was selling a Rio with 15k miles on it for $9,000.
A brand new Kia is worth only $10,000. Put 15k miles
on it, and it’s worth about 4 cents.
The good news is that I finally manage to find some of
South’s credit cards that he had carefully hidden in
his pots and pans. He knew I’d never have reason to be
in that place where people do…food…cooking..things.
One huge order from the House of Cheese and Porn
coming up! I better get ‘em to put a rush on it since
I’m leaving tomorrow. Besides, it’s South’s card,
money is no object. He’s rolling in dough. After all
he’s part of that billion dollar a year bidness.
Now come on, people! I know Dirty Bob couldn’t have
picked a tougher pic, but I haven’t received one
caption. Be a risk taker, damn it, you know you want
to! The first thing I thought when I saw that pic was
“Wow. South has really lost weight.” But try as I
might, I just couldn’t make that into anything
humorous. Yes, even when I tried changing the font to
comic sans ms, it continued to be un-funny.
I was reading the paper this morning and saw that
President Bush was whisked away to an underground
bunker when they thought a plane had flown into
restricted airspace. Ahhhh, it’s so comforting to know
that the President is safe and sound while the rest of
us are out here like sitting ducks. I have often said
that in the event of nuclear attack, I’m going right
outside on the front lawn. I mean what’s my option?
Staying stuck underground for years in a bomb shelter?
Hell, I hardly get out of the trailer now as it is.
Our neighbors built an underground shelter, but we’re
just gonna use the trailer as shelter. I’m fairly
certain that if it could withstand 16 offspring, it
could withstand a nuclear blast. Thank God I saved all
that plastic sheeting and duct tape I took off the
windows last week.
What I am about to reveal will no doubt frighten a LOT
of people, so if you have a weak heart, I suggest you
skip down to a happier paragraph. Right now there are
geeks, for want of a much stronger word, in California
(figures) standing in line for the new Star Wars
movie. The really scary thing is that it doesn’t open
until MAY 19TH!! And I thought I had no life. I’ve
never wanted to see any movie that badly. If I have to
stand in line ten minutes I’m whining about wanting to
go back home and come on a day when it’s less crowded.
And while we’re on the subject of geeky space movies,
some fans of the tv show, Star Trek: Enterprise banded
together to try to raise enough money to keep the show
on the air. They managed to raise $140k, but alas it
wasn’t enough. And to think, I can’t even get you
ungrateful punks to send me enough money to buy a $700
lap top. Sigh.
A few days back, in his blog, Tim Case listed all the
songs on his mp3 player, including one by Moby. I told
him South would ride him like an ass into Bethlehem
when he saw that. In all the years that I’ve known
South—-almost SIX!! I get the award for most
consecutive years that I’ve known someone without ever
having met them-—he has retained only two bits of
information about me. 1. I can be easily suckered into
writing his updates, and 2. I like Moby’s Porcelain.
And of course, he never fails to razz me about that.
Well, I’m sorry but I DO have good taste in music.
Here’s a list of what’s on my mp3 player right now:
Get real, people. I drive a Kia. What are the chances
that I’m going to have enough disposable income to buy
an mp3 player? But all is not lost. Here’s what’s on
Mr. South’s mp3 player: the complete works of Bread,
Celine Dion’s Greatest Hit (an oxymoron if ever there
was one) and the complete works of Barry Manilow. And
yes, I did dance naked to Copacabana. Who wouldn’t?
And screw you if you were one of South’s neighbors who
called to complain. I’m just glad I had the foresight
to tell them Mike would personally kick their asses
when he returned.
They had a survey on CNN asking people what they would
talk to the President about if they had the
opportunity. Predictably, people said things like
unemployment, the economy and gas prices. If I had the
opportunity to shoot the shit with Geo W, I’d ask him
what it was he said to those two bratty daughters of
his to settle them down. The first year he was in
office all you saw was their drunk asses on the covers
of the tabloids. Suddenly, NOTHING. It’s like he
doesn’t even have kids. Well except when he trots them
out at election time.
Ok, I’m gonna go sit at the window and watch the
roofers across the street. It’s like viewing an all
Mexican version of Nightmare on Crack Street….

Goddess
www.theworldofgoddess.com
“Changing the world, one trailer court at a time.”

Although it’s the normal
size for my site, it’s HUGE on his site. And I ginked
the margins on the last update so it looks even
bigger.
I drove to McDonald’s this morning for breakfast
because nothing gets the daily juices flowing like a
plate of grease soaked foods. While I was waiting in
line, I was unabashedly listening in on the
conversation the couple next to me was having. Hey,
the day I stop listening in on other people’s
conversations is the day I stop writing! McD Chick
said, “When I die are you going to remarry?”
Guys, welcome to our world. This is the sort of
useless crap we women spend our days worrying about.
Even though we’ll be six feet under and won’t know
what’s happening in your life, we CARE. No, not
really. We’re just worried spitless you’re gonna
replace us with someone better.
McD Guy’s like, “Are we having this conversation
again?” LOL. You could smell the frustration oozing
from his pores. Or maybe that was the hot apple pies I
was smelling. Never mind.
I felt for him, though. I really did, because we SAY
that we want you to remarry so you won’t be lonely,
guys, but we lie. We only want you to remarry if she’s
old, fat and uglee. Then we wish you all the happiness
in the world. Party on!
I never ask Mr. G this question. Ever since he was
diagnosed with diabetes, his main focus has been food.
What he can, and can’t eat and how much. Combine that
with the fact that he’s older and has that waning
testosterone…sigh. Well, lets put it this way, now
when we go to a wedding, I don’t worry about him
staring at the hot chicks. I know he’ll be too busy
salivating over the pigs in a blanket. {Female
Offspring #1 once said, “Dad, will never cheat on
you..…unless the ‘ho was a chef.”) So my question to
Mr. G is not “honey when I die will you remarry?” but
“Honey, when I die will you take anybody else to the
$5.99 All You Can Eat Ponderosa Buffet?”
On the way home from McDonald’s, I was stopped by
Georgia’s (semi) finest. It was bound to happen sooner
or later. A sexy chick like me, riding around in my
Rio. I’m a man in uniform magnet.
Cop: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
I like it when the police come up to the car and ask
this. I always want to say, “What are my choices?”
My daddy always told me to just play dumb. Luckily it
ain’t that much of a stretch.
Me: “Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm….no.”
Cop: “Lady, you’re steering with your elbows!”
Me: “Well how else am I supposed to drink my shake and
eat my burger while I drive?” Honestly sometimes you
have to just draw them a picture.
Cop: “What did you shove under the seat when I
approached your vehicle?”
Me: “Half of a Big Mac.”
Cop: under his breath, but loud enough for AFRICA to
hear: “Guess I don’t have to ask where the other half
is.”
Son of a BITCH! Why is that sarcastic cop humor that I
love always so much funnier when it’s directed at
someone else?!
I called home to check the answering machine messages
and voice mail, hoping someone would be missing me. I
had about ten messages that went something like this:
“If you’re there, pick up. Are you there? If you’re
there pick up. Pick up if you’re there.” Ahh, my
favorite message of all time. My mother and dad do
this EVEN on voice mail. And as many times as I have
tried to explain to them that I can’t hear them
leaving a voice mail message, they continue to do it.
Ugh. I just thank God they tell me to “pick up”,
otherwise I might not ever have figured out what I
should do when the phone rings.
On to the emails, which I greatly appreciate. Whoo
hooo…
Zalriva writes:
“You’re doing a great job of cracking me up as I read
South’s site.
I suppose it doesn’t hurt that I’ve been making (and
drinking) blue hurricanes for/with the babes
tonight…
Still, I guess I’m going to have say that you’re one
funny writer, and that Mike thinks you’re too short to
look high for the really incriminating stuff…”
I have only one thing to say to you, don’t stop
drinking till Sunday when South returns! Booze makes
us all prettier and wittier. FWIW, Zalriva has a
German Shepherd icon over on Live Journal and I see
him posting to Crickett and Alexander the Poet all the
time. I saw his name the other day on South’s site,
and I thought, “Hmm, that name sounds familiar. Who is
that?” And then I thought, “Oh, yeah, he’s the German
Shepherd.” Woof woof. As far as South thinking I’m
too short to look high for the really incriminating
stuff? Nah, he knows I just don’t care.
About the Harry Nilssen song being used in Lime Coke
ads, Tod Hunter writes: “That would entail doing
something. What the Coca-Cola ad people did was put up
a title that implied that that was what Harry Nilsson
was singing. Still sucks though.”
The first time I listened to that I thought they were
singing the song the way it was originally, but then
they slapped that title up and they suckered me. Good
call, Tod.
Thanks. One of my favorite song/product combos running
on tv now is the bottled water ad using the
Carpenter’s Top of the World. It’s pop and bubbly, and
goes very well with the ad. IMHO, they did a good job
with that one.
Richard Freeman writes: “Are you 100% sure that South
offered you a lap top? and not a lap dance?”
Oh he BETTER not have said lap dance. I’ve seen enough
of his genitals to last a life time. No, wait. He
mentioned something about 40 gigs, so unless he can
store that on his “hard drive,” we were talking lap
tops. Then again, his “hard drive” is pretty big.
Tracy writes: “Just so you know, Fonduk is spelled
FONDUK.. Love your site!!!”
Whooops. I blame Tim. I also blame Tim for the high
crime rate and that gawdawful Fever Pitch. And may I
just say I think Hondas are a very fine car and I
someday hope to be able to earn enough money to buy
one ….second hand.
Dr X writes: “I’ve been reading your updates on
Mikesouth.com and you are fucking hilarious. You have
a great way of weaving together seemingly unconnected
topics in a nice neat package.”
Dr X sounds so very Mission Impossible-ish, doesn’t
it? In all the time I was whining to South about
needing some good looking guy to stalk NOT ONCE did he
mention your name. Oooh, he’s been holding out on me.
I’m rubbing my sweaty ass over his keyboard for that
one. BTW, weaving together seemingly unconnected
topics might seem like a good thing, but you wouldn’t
think that if you tried holding a conversation with
me.
Ok, I have to go round up a huge garbage bag so I can
drag all the stuff Holly has chewed up out to the curb
before South gets back. I hope he doesn’t notice the
uh…decided lack of furniture.
Goddess
www.theworldofgoddess.com
“Changing the world, one trailer court at a time.”

OK kids, I think it was the threat of having to strip
down to his skivvies and shake his groove thang that’s
got Dirty Bob running scared. He has graciously agreed
to provide a free ticket to the award show in Tampa to
the person who comes up with the best caption for this
photo. Of course, you’re responsible for getting your
butt there and back:) But isn’t that sweet of him?
Personally I think he just didn’t want to get that
bikini wax…
DB writes: “The winner gets one VIP ticket to the
Tampa Show Oct. 10th .
YOU get to pick the winner!
No lap dancing required.. HOWEVER, the winner must
also be willing to sing a duet with Tim Case if they
have karaoke night there again the day before
the show. It will be a Julio Inglesia song titled,
“For All the Girls I’ve
Loved Before” and Tim will sing the soprano part.”
If you’re singing with Tim, you’re bound to rub elbows
with Felicia Fox. Well worth the headache you’re gonna
get coming up with a caption. So get out your Number 2
lead pencils and get started!

Once again I’ve read the porn sites, no one has done
anything exceptionally stupid or O.D.’ed. Actually I
O.D.’ed two weeks ago. Metamucil. It wasn’t pretty.
I overslept this morning after indulging in excessive
jilling last night. The bukkakes were goooooood. The
cops both protected AND served. They weren’t like the
ones I’d seen before. The chicks actually TALKED in
South’s bukkakes. They even looked like they were
(GASP!) having fun. I remember a bukkake I saw a long
time ago, directed by God only knows. The chick was
laying on the table (reading Cosmo, I think) and the
guys were jacking off on her. Every once in a while a
guy wearing a protective mask would come out and
squeegee her off. {There’s a job to envy, huh?) A
couple times she looked at the camera and said, “Are
they through yet?” Very arousing in a “I paid how much
for this piece of crap?!” kind of way.
I was really sad when I got up this morning. It was
noonish, the time I usually roll out of bed to wake
the kids up for school, but alas there were no
offspring here in Atlanta to greet me with screams,
threats and loud door slamming. I miss them. I miss
our afternoon routine. First they make me breakfast,
then they do the dishes. Then I line them all up,
Fabreeze ‘em from head to toe (cuts down on laundry),
then make ‘em walk two miles to school so they can
pick up my cigarettes and booze along the way. Sigh.
I miss those little boogers.
Speaking of boogers, I’m not sure if many of you are
aware of it, but I always try to tackle the really
heavy subjects on my site. Last week, for instance, I
was discussing Digger the Dog. Doesn’t get much
heavier than Digger. Tim Case emailed me and told me
that Digger was his favorite toy during his West
Virginia trailer park childhood. I, of course, asked
him how that differed from his Ohio trailer park
adulthood and added, “Come on. When you grow up in a
trailer court your favorite toy consists of either a
bucket and a shovel (practice for your future career
as a dirt farmer) OR a big cardboard box that used to
house someone else’s Motorola.”
Tim replied: “Actually, the trailer park I lived in
was located directly next to a Honda motorcycle
dealership on US 60 in Barboursville, WV. Louie
Fonduck Honda was the name of the dealership, and my
brothers and I would very often dig the large
cardboard packing crates that the cycles were shipped
in out of the dumpsters and use them as playhouses,
etc. Thanks for reminding me of all that.”
Well it just so happens that I decided to check out
this information and see if I could locate & speak to
Mr. Louie Fonduck about a young Tim Case. After about
25 lengthy calls-—24 of which were to psychic hot line
asking if they thought South was gonna be pissed when
he opened his next phone bill—-I connected with Mr.
Fonduck. Here’s a bit of our conversation:
Goddess: “Hey, Mr. Fonduck, thanks for taking the time
to speak with me. I’m calling about a guy named Tim,
who said he used to live next to your car dealership.
Do you remember him?”
Mr F: “Hmm, Tim….Tim..…can’t say that I–oh wait a
minute! I do remember a boy named Tim who used to
steal the shipping crates.”
Goddess: “Can you describe him?”
Mr. F: “Well, near as I recall he had brown hair,
brown eyes and he always had a runny nose.”
Goddess: “OMG! That’s him! What do you remember about
him?”
Mr. F: “Well he was the sort of child you never wanted
to hug.”
Goddess: “Why? Tim seems so warm and loving. Who
wouldn’t to hug him?”
Mr. F: “Seems he had a slight tendency to wipe his
nose on the front of his shirt. It was always wet and
snotty. I remember this one time, he had the biggest
booger hanging off of his…”
Goddess: “Ok ok, we get that Tim has a post nasal drip
problem. Do you remember anything else?”
Mr. F :”I hate to say it, but he was a bit of an
underachiever. One day I called him into my office and
I said, ‘Son, life is not a game. You gotta make
something of yourself. Stop screwing around and set
some damn goals.”
Goddess: “What did he say?”
Mr. F: “I don’t know. Some bullshit about still being
in first grade. And then he peed his pants.”
Goddess: “Damn. Who knew he was such a slacker?”
Mr. F: “Is he married?”
Goddess: “Yanno nobody is really sure. Sometimes he
talks about his wife, other times his girlfriend and
still other times his fiancée. We’re not sure if he
has three chicks dangling on the line or whether he’s
just bitter and confused. But I put a call in to
Robert Stack, and Unsolved Mysteries is gonna do a
segment on Tim’s marital status.”
Mr. F: “What kind of job does he have?”
Goddess: “Uh….well, he has an excellent job in the
luggage industry.”
Mr. F: “Top position?”
Goddess: “Eh, more like second in command.”
I was really upset when I called home last night and
found out one of my female offspring got in trouble at
school yesterday. Apparently she punched another kid.
I got her on the phone and said, “Look, you are a
Goddess. This is not the way I taught you to deal with
conflict. We stuff our anger down, then go home and
eat chocolate till our stomach aches. Now straighten
up or else!” Yessiree, I’m really smelling that Mother
of the Year award more and more each day.
South called last night and I’m sorry to say, but he
didn’t ask about ANY of you. Tsk tsk. He called to
tell me he was arriving home on Friday. The only way
Mr. G allows me to come to Jawjah is if I promise him
South won’t be there. He’s..um…not Mike’s biggest fan.
So when South said he was coming back Friday, I’m
like, “NO, you’re not! There’s only two episodes of
Third Watch left and I am NOT missing Friday night’s ep.”
Then he said, “Then I’ll be home Saturday.”
I said, “NO, you’re not! Saturday is a very, very
special day for me. A high holy day. It’s the 600th
episode of COPS!! Whoo hooo!! Two full hours of people
acting like assholes and I am NOT missing it.”
He said, “FINE! But I’m coming home on Sunday!”
I said, “Dude. Do whatever you. It’s your home.”
I received some great emails that I’ll post tomorrow. Later!

Not to worry.
Apparently people in porn still aren’t doing anything
stupid. But if you are in porn, and you do plan to do
something stupid, email me and tell me about it, will
ya? Damn. I’m starting to sound like a South update
already. I wasn’t sure I wanted to update this time
around when Mike asked me. I’m never sure because my
site is so different from his. I told South I’d think
about it. He kept begging and I kept refusing. (I
admit it. It makes me wet when he begs.) But when he
said, “Fine! Update for me, and I’ll buy you that damn
laptop you’ve been whining about wanting!” well, then
I knew. I’d really have to think about it.
One thing I forgot to mention yesterday about my trip.
When I reached the South, every time I stopped at a
garage for gas, they’d ask me if I was gonna “are up.”
Or at least that’s what it sounded like. I didn’t want
to appear stupid, so I pretended like I knew what they
were talking about. The last guy that said, “Ain’t cha
gonna are up? Might git a flat tar.” sounded so
doggone serious that I found myself standing there
contemplating the risks of not “are-ing up”, and I
didn’t even know what the hell he was talking about!
“Are?” “Tar?” WTH?! In the North we have a phrase,
“read (pronounced “red”) up” and that means to clean
up, so I thought maybe “are up” had something to do
with freshening up and I kept saying, “No, I’ll do it
when I get to Atlanta.” Every one of them looked at me
like I was nuts. The first thing I did when I got to
the trailer was call Mom South and get a Southernese
to English translation. Turns out that AIR is
pronounced ARE in the South and “air up” means to put
air in your tires. And TAR is TIRE. Well hell no
wonder they thought I was crazy. Who puts are in their
tars after they reach their destination?! Why oh why
can’t they just speak English? It’s like their from a
farn country. (Yeah THAT ONE I got.)
I had a very busy day today. I spent the better part
of two hours drawing devil horns and mustaches on all
of South’s pics of Adella. Now I know exactly what
you’re thinking. “But Goddess, didn’t you blacken any
of her teeth or draw big round framed glasses on her?”
Done and done.
While digging through all of his personal belongings,
I noticed that South is becoming much more clever at
hiding things. I haven’t been able to find a single
credit card yet. Damn. I have a two page order for the
“House of Cheese and Porn” that just can’t wait.
I thought leaving the snow behind in PA would be fun,
only to find out that Atlanta was under a frost
warning. Whoo hoo. So I decided to spend the day
indoors, thus giving Holly the chance to really made
some headway on South’s antique bed frame. But first I
made a run to WalMart to stock up on some healthy
snacks. I bought some Ding Dongs, M & M’s, a power
drill (I don’t need it, but it was cheap) and a box of
wine. Do you know what annoys me about WalMart,
though? I mean besides the vicious undercutting of the
competition. I always leave there feeling really
disappointed. I blame the greeter. All I ever get is a
monotone “hi.” Hell, I can get that from the cashiers!
I expect much more from a professional greeter. I
wonder what sort of training you have to undertake to
do that job? Six stressful weeks of “Hello 101”? {Not
to be confused with Dollar General’s training course,
“101 Ways to Avoid Saying ‘Thank You’ to the
Customer.”} Followed by another intensive six weeks of
“Is That a Return? I’ll Need to Mark It”?
When I arrived back at South’s trailer, there were a
bunch of street thugs hanging around at the corner. I
yelled, “Don’t you punks even think about stealing my
Kia!!” Hey, I watch COPS. You gotta be firm with these
punks. One shouted something about having standards
and they all laughed. And laughed. And laughed.
Bastards. They should be so lucky to steal a car as
fabu as my Rio. And as long as they don’t have to
accelerate uphill they should be able to make a
moderately quick get away. Course they’ll have some
serious explaining to do about the bumper sticker on
the back that reads, “How’s my tits? Call
1-800-Goddess and let me know!”
I received an email from Dirty Bob, which included a
pic of South that he wanted me to ask you guys to
caption. I said I would IF DB allowed the winner to
attend the show in Tampa this fall. See how I care
about you guys??? But alas, he said the winner would
not go to Tampa, but would receive a lap dance from
South. I’m sorry, but I don’t know too many people who
want to see South in a jock strap shaking his family
jewels in their face. To be fair though, since it’s
HIS idea, I think Dirty Bob should have to give the
lap dance. Whadda think?
I also received this email from Maxx Beaver, “Howdy
Goddess (who is standing in for the infamous Mike
South this week), Maxxx Beaver here, direct from
the Lodge…

Went over to Lukeford.com today, seeing what that
substance abusing Scott Fayner is up to these
days….Looks like he might be selling his site.

But ya never know….Could be another one of his damn
publicity stunts to see how many people have interest
in him, his site or the porn industry for that
matter…He pulled a death one on April 1st, that is
so childish…oh well.

I will never understand some people within the
Industry…

So, now to keep on topic, Ya think www.lukeford.com
will be for sale or is this another farce?”
Oh damn. South assured me there would be no porn and
no math involved in updating!
Not to put Scott down because he’s a good writer,
too, but I stopped reading LukeFord.com when Luke
stopped writing it. I heart Luke and he was the draw
for me, so when he left, I left. What I really love
about his interviews is this: people will say “I’m not
going to answer any of your questions,” then Luke will
proceed to get four or five answers out of them.
Classic Luke.. Thanks for the kind words and the
email, Maxx, but you’ll have to wait for South to
return to get an answer on whether or not the site is
really for sale.
I also received four copies of the email, “achieving
your goals of becoming a better man” and six of the
“become the man that women desire” email. Hey, I’m
starting to get a real complex here. I’ve tried to
become a better man! But the tits and the pussy don’t
seem to help matters much.
While I was answering email, I was also listening to
the tv because I like to run South’s utility bills up
as much as possible when I stay here. Just a little
courtesy I provide. They had the funniest ep on
World’s Wildest Police Videos. This guy thought he was
hiring a hit man to murder his wife and three other
people, but the man was actually an undercover cop.
They were discussing price and the “hit man” said he
wanted between $10k and $15k for the murders. The guy
said he only had $500, but he would be willing to MAKE
PAYMENTS. Like it’s a frickin’ Kmart layaway.
Ok, worst usage of a good song in a commercial? Lime
Coke’s new ads. They use Harry Nilsson’s “Lime in the
Coconut,” song, only they say, “Put the lime in the
Coke, you nut. ” Ugh.
The great thing about updating here is that I have the
passwords for ALL of South’s sites. Yes, EVEN Southern
Bukkake! Whoo hooo! Ever since he told me he had a
couple cops in one of his bukkakes, I’ve been DYING to
watch them. So while Holly chews her way through the
Stephen King section of South’s hard back book
collection, I’m gonna do some serious DL’ing and
jilling. See ya tomorrow, kids!
Goddess
www.theworldofgoddess.com
“Changing the world, one trailer court at a time.”

(If you don’t already know it, you’ll soon discover that’s the normal state of our “relationship.” I’m pissed and he’s clueless to the fact that I’m pissed. Hell, I’ve been pissed at him since September ’04 and he still hasn’t figured it out.) He was telling me about all the different parts available in a music video he’s shooting and I said, “What kind of role do you have for a “Goddess, age 25-45, good looking, mu mu wearing chick?” And he said, “You’d be perfect to update my site.” WTH?Well I finally arrived in Atlanta late Sunday night. What a disaster. Instead of flying down to Atlanta, I decided to drive, thus allowing me to pocket the $200 South gave me for airfare and use it for something
really important-—scratch off lottery tickets. BTW, I won $4. Whoo hoo! As my grandpa used to say, “That’s $4 you didn’t have before.”

I drove, also, because I wanted to bring Holly with me. Holly is my neurotic, anxiety ridden 7 month old
Lab. I felt it was time for her to expand her horizons beyond the trailer court, see the world, and gnaw her
way through somebody else’s damn furniture for a week.

We were on the road about six hours, and I was following the directions from MapQuest religiously, because we all know how reliable MapQuest is. I looked up and saw a sign that read, “Welcome to the City of Brotherly Love,” and I thought, “Wow. That’s weird. Atlanta is the City of Brotherly Love, too. I always
thought Philadel—oooooh SHIT.” Fucking MapQuest. Six hours and I hadn’t even left PA. So I called my dad and begged him to wire me plane fare to Atlanta. He did, and I used it to buy more scratch off lottery
tickets.

After loudly cursing the PA lottery system, once again we were on the road. Along the way I heard a news story from Chicago about a wall stain that many people believe to be in the shape of the Virgin Mary. People
are flocking to see it. I haven’t seen it but I’m a believer. I’m sure if Mary was going to appear anywhere it would be in a filthy highway underpass. Cheese sandwiches, underpasses. That Mary is a clever one. I once saw Christ in a bowl of apples and cinnamon oatmeal. I said, “Jesus, is that you?” But He didn’t answer. Actually, I had already swallowed a pretty big spoonful of Him at that point. For a Savior, He was really quite cinnamony.

I also got to hear one some cheesy songs while heading South like, like Neil Diamond’s “Girl, you’ll be a woman soon. Some day you’ll need a man.” Yeah, tell that to the lesbian chicks, Neil. And one of my all time cheesy favorites, “Ruby Don’t Take Your Love to Town.” I love the part where Kenny sings, “Its hard to love a man’s whose legs are bent and paralyzed, and the wants and the needs of a woman your age, Ruby, I realize. But if I could move I’d get my gun and put her in the ground..” I’m sure Ruby is comforted by the fact that if her husband was able to walk the first thing he’d do is kill her.

I also heard a radio commercial several times that asked the musical question: “do you think you have what it takes to be a country music star?” Hmmm, what exactly would that require? A drinking problem, an unhealthy relationship with your truck and a wandering eye?

I’m gonna sign off for now and get settled into South’s trailer. BTW, I found this pic someone had taken of Mike on his boat, This Side Up. Ain’t she a beaut? I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but I thought the boat would seat at least six.

As always if you have any bitchin’ to do about this week’s updates, please feel free to email Mike and tell him. I have absolutely no problem with that. I mean who can’t handle a little healthy criticism? You can email Mike at goddess@theworldofgoddess.com.

Goddess
www.theworldofgoddess.com
“Changing the world, one trailer court at a time.”

Just as a dog returns to his favorite place to shit, I, too, am returning to Casa de South to write Mike’s updates for a week. In exchange for writing said updates, I’ll get lots of tension headaches and little else. At least I don’t have to worry about Social Security taking a hefty chunk of that at the end of the week.I’m busy packing my garbage bag–I mean, “suitcase”–and tomorrow I’ll be heading out for seven days of fun and sun in Atlanta. Does it get any better than that?? Well, yeah, it could if I had a gorgeous guy waiting on me hand and foot, and seeing to my every sexual whim. Well, hell now I’m just depressed…

See ya Monday!

Goddess
www.theworldofgoddess.com
“Changing the world, one trailer court at a time.”

So, they’re doing this big fucking pirate movie, right? So, do they even think of hiring the most naturally pirate-looking performer in porn — who’s also one of it’s best studs — for a lead part? Naw, that would be … clever. Instead, Brian Surewood gets tapped for a non-sex supporting role ….

Please. If you guys wanna make stuff that looks like “real movies,” why don’t you hire male leads besides the typical slightly-out-of-fashion, tanning cream & blonde-tipped metrosexuals that DP tries to pass off as bad-asses? Final Cut Pro might allow Robbie to imitate a lot of cine-mah tropes, but it can’t make Barret Blade, etc, etc, resemble a tough guy ….

Not to mention that Surewood would give Janine a better fucking than anybody they would possibly think of lining her up with …

Well this one I gotta agree with Surewood certainly looks more like a pirate than anyone else in porn and lets face it nobody in a DP movie is a badass closest thing to that is Robby D who aint in the DP movies.

But then again nobody in porn has really tried to to do serious character development since the days of The Opening of Misty Beethoven.

Like I mentioned weeks ago, Im sure there were female pirates (though few and far between and they generally posed as men) I am also sure they didnt have tribal band tats, bleahced blonde hair and fake tits…VERY sure of it.

Adam and Eve has wanted a Pirate movie since the success of my friend Greg Steel with “Conquest”, even doing a half assed job on a pirate movie is rather expensive…theres those boats ya gotta get ya know…for one thing. So Adam and Eve teamed up with Digital Playground with Jewn as the director to do this new Pirate movie…It should prove interesting since to the best of my knowledge Jewn hasn’t directed anything with dialogue before.

I put in a call to Greg who waxed nostalgic a bit about “Conquest”, shot for Wicked, he told me how they had actually hired a choreographer and a real sword fighter to help the fight scenes look realistic, they spent a week just training the people to swordfight with a little realism.

He said he doesn’t miss working with Jenna and made a few comments about Brad Armstrong and we said goodbye…..Ya I know, I digressed a bit here…but now you do have a historical perspective.

I hear that your buddies over at Digital Playground are shooting a Pirate themed video. Will there be a scene in it with a knocked up Teagan having sex with a coked out Devon while Janine tattoos her name on Jesse’s ass?

L.A. defense attorney moonlights as porn star “Don Hollywood,” appearing in flicks such as “Justice Your Ass”

Was I Wrong? Jim Crawford Writes:

Hi Mike,

I must say I love all the press. Also let me say thank you for taking down my address
.
As to the titles you keep referring to Mad Skillz and She’s got Mad Skillz, look a little harder and see if you can find the same cast besides Jenaveve Jolie or the same D.O.P. If you would like some screeners you could have just asked and I would have sent them out to you. I know you really didnt do your homework on this one, but hay, win some, and lose some.
Also find someone to say yes Jim Crawford fuck me over. You will not. As you already know from the lack of emails from your latest posting. But give it a few days you never know!

And as to the bitch slapping, I have been nice to you, no need to go there, it is just porn.

By the way say hi to Sam, Joone and Adella for me…

Jim says they are NOT the same movie. and for the record I talk to A-Dell almost daily, much to her chagrine. I talk to Sam when we are at a show and I see her before she sees me and I talk to Jewn when I threaten to post a picture of him if he doesn’t respond….

This rumor is FLYING all over the place. if it is true lets hope she takes the babies health into consideration and curtails her partying. The source of the rumor is a blog entry on her myspace blog, reportedly from her boyfriend. The entry was quickly deleted and adella cant be reached for comment…..Damage control mode no doubt.

Wonder if Kid Rock is the Daddy?

Ray Bones Sends A Top Ten List:

Top Ten Baby Names For Teagans Offspring:

10. Mary Jane
9. Xana (x)
8. Snow
7. Angel (dust)
6. Jose’ (Cuervo)
5. G (HB)
4. (X) Stacy
3. Kay (Special)
2. Crystal
1. Vic (oden)

KEYSER SÖZE WRITES;

Gene Ross prints a quote by Mary Carey, “Next week me and Tawny Roberts are doing a dancing duo act. It’s our first time in Arizona and we’re calling ourselves the Heartbreakers.”

Mary & Tawny side by side resemble Penn & Teller with tits.

The Deejays introduction:
Enzio’s never ending buffet and shake-o-rama is proud to introduce your feature act for the evening. Fresh from the clam bar, Mary Scale breaker Carey and Tawny Heartbreaker Roberts, the biggest, by the pound, feature duo act in the country.
OK that’s so wrong…besides I Love Mary Carey she is too damn funny and if you look up exuberant in the dictionary I’m pretty sure they have her picture there.

Ever Wanted To Bitch Fight?:

Lindsay Lohan? J-Lo? Paris Hilton? Beyonce? Ciara?

HAVE AT IT at celebritygirlfight.com

Fayner Takes Me To Task:

Seems I must have picked on one of his buddies. Well Scott I just calls em as I sees em and if you ask me bankrupting one company and immediately opening another one with the same products is pretty sleazy, I’m guessing theres a few creditors out there who agree. I know I have been a victim of that bullshit.

The next scam is on the consumer, releasing a movie that you released a month ago as a new release with only a re-designing box…hey that’s pretty scummy too.

Printing his home address on my site? I have no problem with it. You see my home address has been on this site for 3 years, along with my real name. I have even posted my cell phone number here. Guess what? Not one person has ever abused any of it. Wonder if maybe that’s because I’m not FUCKING THEM OVER? Oh and did I mention that home address was/is available with a minimum of info on the net?

OK Fayner, it’s you and Jim Crawford who need to be bitch slapped.

Put down the crack pipe.

Anyone who is owed money by Jim Crawford/Original Sin and want’s Crawford’s home address email me…I will be happy to give it to ya.

BT Writes:

Mike: Just a couple of weeks ago, you were lamenting that nothing was going on in pronoland and you felt like you’d said all you had to say.

And yet, since then, you’ve been putting out one scoop after another, plus a number of fine insightful posts.

Maybe every now and then it’s good to get down in the dumps to get recharged.

I was thinking about this now that Carly’s announced she’s hanging up her keyboard. She was another bright and measured voice writing about this industry. She’ll be missed, and yet you could see it coming over the last three or four months.

So, here’s to hoping you continue to find the energy to keep writing.

Meanwhile …… Shane making a directing comeback? Who cares? Don’t get me wrong. I’ve been a huge Shane fan for years. Despite getting a little older, I’d love to see Shane performing again. I’ve gotten older too, and she’s still a good 15 years younger than me. But a directing comeback? What made Shane’s World so interesting, especially in the beginning when Shane and Seymour broke up, was Shane performing. I could care less whether it says directed by Shane then or now.

I don’t blame female performers for wanting to direct, but let’s get real. Porn is about girls doing the nasty in front of the camera, not behind it.

And I agree with your kudos to Jenna for calling it quits while she’s on top. Which leads back to the e-mail I sent you the other day. Only explanation for what she’s going to do to earn Vivid’s money is to expand her talent business, because as much as I’ve enjoyed Jenna over the years (and I gotta say, as much grief as she gets from raincoaters, her website was one of the hottest porn girl websites going), she was looking ever more like a cartoon character. Breasts got bigger; body getting thicker; tatoos expanding.

I think what will be interesting from a cultural standpoint is how long Jenna continues to rate personal endorsements and a billboard once she stops performing. Can a porn girl who no longer does porn remain a celebrity? And for how long?

It will be a good measure of the cross-over of porn to mainstream culture.

Just some random 8 AM thoughts before doing the real work of the day.

Shannin Writes:

You don’t have to worry about whether or not you get a story before AVN does because I won’t read that site ever since they started with the brainstorm of putting your browser to sleep for ten seconds to force you to stay on the site that long. That is just weak. I will read it on your site first no matter what.

As a friend of mine said about that…at least it is consistant, the site puts the reader to sleep, it should put the browser to sleep too.

And Another One Bites The Dust:

Carly Milnes Blog Pornblography is apprently no more. She posted that she is calling it quits.

Three more porn blogs have sprung up to take her place.