From the Pensacola News Journal

Two principals in a multimillion-dollar Internet pornography business have been arrested, culminating an investigation into an operation involving hundreds of films featuring up to 100 local men and women, authorities announced Saturday.

Escambia County Sheriff Ron McNesby and State Attorney Bill Eddins said the men are believed to be at the heart of the operation that revolved around a Web site with as many as 5,000 registered subscribers who, for $30 a month, can view pornographic films featuring group sex.

The films were made at four houses in Pensacola, a house in Pace and at five hotels in Escambia County, Assistant State Attorney Russ Edgar said. Other settings included Interstate 10 and Interstate 110, wooded areas, vehicles and other public places, he said.

The two men, both arrested Friday, were charged with racketeering — conducting a criminal enterprise by engaging in prostitution and the manufacture and sale of obscene material.

They were identified as:

· Site owner Clinton Raymond McCowen, 45, also known as Ray Guhn, who resides in the 1900 block of Rue La Fontaine in Navarre.

· Kevin Patrick Stevens, 36, of the 9700 block of Fowler Avenue in Pensacola, who was a producer and Web site technician.

Both were released from jail Saturday after posting bond.

Edgar, who oversaw the monthslong investigation, said he anticipates several more arrests within the next several days. Racketeering carries a maximum sentence of 30 years in prison.

McCowen and his associates, who used the name Global Technologies Inc. and did business as Ray Guhn Productions, generated more than $1 million a year in sales to Internet customers, according to an affidavit. They had been operating for about five years, the affidavit says.

McNesby and the prosecutors said they were surprised at the large amount of money involved and the fact that filming took place locally.

“If you had told me in ‘65 or ‘66 we would be investigating this, I would never believe that,” said McNesby, an officer for 41 years.

The investigation follows an earlier probe that led to the arrest in March of 16 people believed to be principals in 10 Escambia and Santa Rosa escort services that authorities say served as fronts for prostitution.

Edgar said he expects all but three or four of those suspects to plead guilty. The rest will stand trial.

“They are all solid cases,” he said.

McNesby said the crackdowns reflect the area’s values.

“We want people to know that we don’t want this kind of activity in our community,” he said.

McCowen and his associates recruited and paid local men and women to engage in obscene group sexual activity, the affidavit states.

The site principals also hired people to engage in “private parties” in which the principals were involved, the affidavit says.

Some actors and models were paid up to $1,000, according to the affidavit. People in supporting roles were paid about $300 or $400.

Some filming recently was moved to Canada because people engaged in the operation regarded the local area as “the frickin’ Bible Belt,” the affidavit states.

During the investigation, an undercover officer posed as someone interested in performing. At one point, the officer was told the group had been filming in the area for about five years and had engaged more than 100 women in the area, according to the affidavit.

The undercover officer also was told to recruit friends who might be interested.

On Friday, investigators also seized guns, drugs, business records and computers. Officers with the Santa Rosa Sheriff’s Office and the Florida Department of Law Enforcement also participated.

McNesby and Eddins said the investigation was prompted by local residents who complained about the local advertising of the films and the recruiting of local models and actors for the films.

Ray Operates the site cumonherface.com

This is a State Charge not a federal charge and the case is going to hinge largely on whether or not hiring people to perform in adult films and for adult websites is prostitution. In California this was already decided in Los Angeles V. Freeman, and that is why shooting in L.A. is legal. In other areas it is untested.

The Racketeering charges where no doubt levelled in order to seize Ray’s assets without due process.

These charges are state charges for Florida, If Ray looses this could very well be bad for anyone shooting in Florida, including all the icy porn sites, bang brothers, milfhunters etc.

MY sources are buzzing it’s something big!

Heidi Joy Pike is GONE I’m ytold, that in and of itself may or may not be interesting but I’m hearing there’s a bigger story and nobodys talkin…yet..

JimmyD Writes:

i’ll dance and strip down to a “g” string with wank punter & co. at the whiskey. i’ll even tape my… oh. nevermind. you want girls, huh.

Well JimmyD it came down to you or Mia Rose and after careful consideration we chose Mia, because 1. She is a lot hotter than you and 2. on the off chance it gets me a blowjob ….well I’d way rather have it from Mia than from you…no offense.

The Goddess of Oddness Writes:

when AREN’T your updates sporadic? *na na*

Goddess
“Changing the world, one trailer court at a time.”
http://www.theworldofgoddess.com/dailyjournal.htm

Wank Punter is looking for a few porn stars to join them and their Fluffettes on stage at the Whisky A Go Go - August 10th. (Los Angeles, CA)!

Must be willing to strip down to a g string (nipples must be taped or covered!) and be VERY provocative!

Our girls are looking forward to cavorting with the stars so if ya wanna come out for a blast and join an outrageous rock n roll party as well as be a part of THE SHOW, give us a shout and we’ll splurge the details!

There’s an awesome VIP guest list shaping up both from the mainstream world of entertainment and that of the adult industry so c’mon out and shake yer money-maker. Ya never know who’s watching!

Send all inquiries to: pr@wankpunter.com

Updates Will Be A Little Sporadic For The next Few Days Because I Am Travelling:

BUT I DO Have an EXCLUSIVE:

Word I get is that Vivid is about to add a new contract girl…none other than Alektra Blue.

And I Have A New Reader I’d Like To Welcome (Cuz she is fuckin HOT)

I just started reading your site recently…

Fucking hillarious! The way you talk about things just tickles my ass… lol. Keep it up. And the little pictures of you, toenails, cheesecake etc… I almost died! : )

Mia rose

And On The Pedicure Thingy Mark Writes:

Hardly, with Fifi squating on yer johnson while she’s painting your toes
I’d say that was rather cunning of you. lol

Being like family and all, it stands to reason why the both of ya still
have pants on though. Had you two been naked, that would have been just so
wrong. lol

Anyhoo, regarding the music of Luther Cambell, they easily set things right
by bringing in WANK PUNTER next year! Hell, if the boys are good enough
for Playboy TV, Playboy Radio, AOV TV et al, I’m sure the band would fit
right in with the type of crowd generally expected at these sort of events! ; )
Actually, to be quite honest, I think they’d bring the roof down!

Mark
RA Media

From: “Jenny Brooks” <jjbrooks001@netscape.net>
Subject: attend to mail

Dear Sir/Madam

My name is Mrs. Jenny Brooks; I am a dying woman who has decided to donate what I have to you/ church. I am 59 years old and I was diagnosed for cancer for about 2 years ago, immediately after the death of my husband, who has left me everything he worked for.

I have been touched by God to donate from what I have inherited from my late husband to you for the good work of God, rather than allow my relatives to use my husband hard earned funds ungodly. Please pray that the good Lord forgive me my sins. I have asked God to forgive me and I believe he has because He is a merciful God. I will be going in for an operation in less than one hour.

I decided to WILL/donate the sum of $2,500,000 (two million five hundred thousand dollars) to you for the good work of the lord, and also to help the motherless and less privilege and also for the assistance of the widows.

At the moment I cannot take any telephone calls right now due to the fact that my relatives are around me and my health status. I have adjusted my WILL and my lawyer is aware I have changed my will you and he will arrange the transfer of the funds from my account to you.

I wish you all the best and may the good Lord bless you abundantly, and please use the funds well and always extend the good work to others.
Contact my lawyer (Barrister David Tango) with this specified email: consultantreal@netscape.net and tell him that I have WILLED ($2,500,000.00) to you and I have also notified him that I am WILLING that amount to you for a specific and good work. I know I don’t know you but I have been directed to do this. Thanks and God bless.

NB: I will appreciate your utmost confidentiality in this matter until the task is accomplished as I don’t want anything that will jeopardize my last wish. And Also I will be contacting with you by email as I don’t want my relation or anybody to know because they are always around me.

Regards,
Jenny Brooks (Mrs.)

Well Jenny I can’t thank you enough…Imagine all the strippers…I mean single moms I can help with all that money. May the merciful God you proclaim to believe in ease your suffering soon….

Batman (Who Would Know) Writes:

Not Gay, OK maybe metro sexual, a name given to guys that like to look neat and clean without liking dick.
The fact that Fifi was doing it to you carries a huge weight in your heterosexual favor. She is hot and most very straight men would let her do many things to them. As for Jimmy D, well he does spend a lot of time alone in that porn studio of his, when he pops out who knows what he is going to look like. In fact I will make a call to him tomorrow to ask him to be on my next show, just so a few people can see he is still alive and kicking.
PS- I bet he’s not kicking the same purty toes that you are.
Tony Batman
www.TonyBatman.com

Do NOT Try This At Home, I Am A Trained Professional:

Thats Me eating cheesecake off of Ron Jeremy’s Plate…and I didn’t even loose an arm..

Speaking Of Ronnie:

I get asked a lot who is the best known person in porn. Let me put it this way. In the eating establishment where the above picture was taken, People were asking Ronnie for photos and autographs all night and Ronnie ALWAYS was happy to do it, even in the middle of dinner.

Now had that been Jenna there instead of Ronnie, how many people would have recognized her…My bet is not a single one.

Indeed during the course of the Miami Exxotica Show Ronnie signed WAY more autographs than did Jenna, without a doubt,. and most of the people in line for Jenna’s autograph couldn’t correctly pick her from 3 photos of blonde porn chicks (Jenna, Nikki Benz and Gina Lynn)

When people were confronted with Pictures of Ronnie, Tim Case and John Holmes, every single person could correctly identify Ron Jeremy.

I rest my case.

How Successful Was Exxxotica Miami?

In a word, very. but the organizers did a lot of things right. They had it at a well known convention center in a desireable city to visit. They heavily promoted that Jenna, Ron Jeremy and Tera would be there. They paid at least Jenna BIG bucks to attend (I hear 55K plus expenses) Even though she only signed briefly on Fri and Sat and none on Sunday. The show drew a lot of fans on Fri and Saturday and some people in attendance said there were as many as Erotica L.A. I don’t know about that because I have never gone to Erotica L.A. but attendance was good.

Now does this equate to money? I honestly don’t know how the vendors who paid for booth space felt about it, I suspect Next years show will tell.

I Couldn’t help but think of Luke Ford when I saw this

What They Did VERY VERY WRONG:

The biggest complaint from vendors and fans alike was over Luther Cambell’s booth. These ghetto idiots seemed to think that everyone in the convention center wanted to hear that shitty ass music they played…it was WAY too loud and it sucked. Luther’s only claim to fame was as Luke Skywaker in 2 Live Crew, whose only hit had only one memorable line which was in fact stolen from the movie “Full Metal Jacket”

Next time leave that mother fucker where he belongs, singin on the corner someplace.

Nobody wants to hear that shit.

OK JimmyD…I Called You A Fag When You Considered It:

At least I had Fifi giving me my pedicure…Have at it y’all…Does this make me gay?

06/16/2006

Looks Like Me And Jason Sechrest Will Be Spending Eternity Together:

We almost got arrested…apparently the miami Beach cops consider photographing protestors in public to be “harrassing them” The cop told Paige and I that if we didn’t leave immediately we would be arrested for “harrassing the Christians”…shit better than feeding them to the lions but I wasn’t in the mood and I had an appointment to get my tat…maybe next time.

Frank Writes:

Dude,

Not having heard from you in a while, I was beginning to think you’ve been overworked or too distracted, wondering what Goddess was going to find/steal during your absence.

Now I understand. Knowing you got a pedicure after giving me so much grief over my shaving & nail care, you’ve simply been embarrassed to call. It’s OK! Doesn’t mean you’re Gay or Metro, UNLESS it was a guy giving you the pedicure. THAT’S GAY. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Hummmm… No really, that would be Gay and VERY WRONG.

Nice tat btw… Glad to see it was a Marlin w/babes and not a Dolphin jumping your belly button w/Case riding it’s back.

Sheik Writes:

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Mike South, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Mike was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women as he normal does.

At the height of the party, the host said, “I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.”

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Mike in the pool!

Mike was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Mike was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Mike and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Mike strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Mike then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, “Well, Mike, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.”

“No, that’s okay. I don’t want it,” said Mike.

The rich man said, “Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?”

“No thanks. I don’t want it,” answered Mike.

The host said, “Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?”

Again Mike said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, “Well, Mike, then what do you want?”

Mike said, “I want the name of the asshole who pushed me in the pool!

Did Evan Seinfeld and I Kiss and Make Up?

In short, ya pretty much. We have a mutual friend in Dan Davis who has been pushing us both to bury the hatchet and since I am shooting layouts for Genesis Magazine whose publisher is Tera I decided it’s time to find new enemies. Evan was nice to me as was Tera and we sat back and talked about the bix, my tattoo I was getting that night and his long term plans for Tera.

Giving credit where it’s due, He has helped Tera immensely and has certainly had a positive influence on her since she left Digital Playground. It’s true that DP made Tera in a sense but now Tera is on her own and doing well and it’s obvious that Evan is no small part of that. So yep that part is true.

And since that one likely hurts your eyes…check out the ass on this little girl…how hot is she?

This happened the last day in Miami but it’s the most significant to me. I woke up Saturday morning never dreaming in a million years that I would ever even consider a tattoo.

As Felicia Fox was giving me a pedicure (bring it on JimmyD) It was suggested that I had a “nice back” and that I should get a shoulder tat. Paige was all for it, Tim Case was his usual quiet reserved self.

Fifi said you should get something that means something to you, she said “You like to fish” and Paige said “and you like pornchicks”

My mind immediately pictured two stripper like girls riding a blue marlin. Then it clicked that they should be Fifi and Paige. At that point I knew I was going to do it.

I wanted to do it Sunday on the show floor in Nick Sabatinos booth.

I shot a girl about a year or so ago and remembered that her old man was a very accomplished and respected tattoo artist, I called her.

She explained to me why getting a tat on the show floor was out of the question (health code stuff, permits etc.) But said that Jason would keep his shop open for me Sunday night and he would do it there. I agreed.

All My closest friends were to go with me. Aaron, Donna and Jared were going to video tape it for me in HiDef. (Time lapse). Tim was there for moral support, Fifi and Paige there to model tits and whatever else was needed to ake the girls look like them.

Shawna came to see us all.

Now I never had a tat before and I only had a vague idea of what I wanted, When I arrived at the studio

www.inksterstattoo.net

I explained to Jason what I wanted and in less than 5 mins he freehanded it onto a white page of paper.

(These are frame grabs from the Hi Def Video…click for full size amazing quality under the flourescent lights in the studio, no additional lighting, photoshopping or anything. The camera is the new Panasonic HiDef.)

When I saw it, I was hooked…this was it…only change I wanted was make the legs symmetrical.

Jason went to the net and downloaded and printed the picture of a blue marlin so that he would get the colors perfect.

he starts work as the girls (Felicia Fox and Paige) Give me inspiration.

Drawing it on

It’s drawn

At this point Paige looks at Fifi, who looks back at Paige, worry in their eyes…Paige doesn’t want me to see it but they are thinking OH SHIT thats a BIG ass tat for a first one, South is in trouble..But the size is necessary to get the detail needed.

Getting started, Paige laughs as I say you mother fuckers lied…this hurts!

Tim Case says “Dude you don’t Get a Tattoo, you Earn it”

So I’m Earning My Tat

Everyone asked did it hurt? What did it feel like?

Honestly it hurts, kinda like sticking pins into a sunburn, some areas hurt like bee stings and others don’t hurt at all, It’s a bit annoying more than anything but listening to the rock and roll playing and talking to my friends was a great distraction.

Jason really does do amazing work and he is quick too.

About 2 hours later I’m done. Jason said “Dude, you got some balls, That’s a big tat for your first time out”

The redness will go away and over the last 24 hours the colors have really popped out! Paige and Fifi are excited about being a part of me forever!

The swelling has now gone, as has the redness and the colors have really popped out nicely. Paige and Felicia are honored to be spending the rest of my life “on my back” and I couldn’t be happier with the work, It’s me and it’s appropriate that they are the girls on there, they are both like family to me and I love them dearly. Tim Case is “proud to have my old lady on Mike South’s back”

I can’t say enough good about Inksters Tattoo and particularly Jason Lawson. If you are going to get inked and are or will be in the Palm Beach Florida area I HIGHLY RECOMMEND Jason. Everyone told me that it’s important to have a real artist do your work, now I know why.

Stop in to Inksters Tattoo at

505 Northlake Blvd
North Palm Beach, FL

561-881-8287

Ask for Jason and tell him Mike South sent ya!

Extra special thanks to my man (and good friend) Aaron Wells he did the video and the frame grabs. Aaron and Donna are like family to me as well!

And that was the cool part…having all my closest friends right there Thanks Tim, Felicia, Paige, Aaron, Donna, Jared and Shawna

Things You WON’T Read On AVN

Playboy TV Pulling Out of Club Jenna Deal:

Apparently she isn’t worth as much as she thought and they found out…

Vivid Suing Playboy TV:

Apparently they are owed money and Playboy has failed to deliver on VOD promises. Steve Hirsch at Vivid desperately wants out of the contract so that he can release the titles himself on VOD.

Asia Carrera:

This has been the topic of hot controversy in the last few days. Seems her Hubby, some fitness guy named Don Lemmon died in a car wreck. Well his hair, teeth and eyeballs weren’t yet scraped off the road before the self proclaimed smartest person in porn and financial wizard (that’d be Asia) was pimping on her website for donations.

Her loss is sad

Her actions are tacky at best.

Goddess,

Too bad you’re heading back to your estate so soon. I had read about your disappointment with our hospitality this morning and was going to invite you over for some grilled opossum. Ran over it myself just this morning, so do worry about freshness. I’m not convinced you got the better deal though. 5 days alone in South’s place – vs – 3 days with South & friends on the Gulf? I think I won out on that one. LOL

Let me know when you’re back this way. I’ve got an old bottle of Gentleman Jack and a porch where you can see those stars you missed.

Frank

Exxxotica Miami:

Damn, what a fun time, the updates are coming along with pics and video…theres some BIG surprises coming here!! But I wanna personally thank a few people who made our trip fun and stress free, first of all Paige who was absolutely perfect in every way, the girl is a true professional and she had nothing but fun to boot.

Second Nick Sabatino, Craig Valentine and Summer Haze, (Yes you read that right) they got my badges, they took care of us the whole time, were nothing but nice to us, whatever we wanted, we had!

Ron Jeremy, Sunny Lane and all the rest of the misfits who had dinner with us and generally kicked back with us!

And last but certainly not least Tim and Fifi (Felicia Fox) my best friends and a part of my family.

Here are some questions that will be answered in the coming day or so.

Did Mike South and Evan Seinfeld kiss and make up?

Who was more popular Jenna or Ron Jeremy?

Did Jenna fans throw her Tshirts in the trash because she pisseed them off so bad?

Did Mike South eat off of Ron Jeremy’s plate and live to tell about it?

Did Mike South get Inked?

Is Tim Case retired from suitcase pimping?

Who almost got arrested for harrassing the Christian protesters at the show on Sunday?

Are Jason Seacrest and Mike South destined to spend eternity together?

All this and more…coming

BTW, I wrote a paper on Comet K in high school and I received an “A” for my efforts.(Yes, it *was* one of the few high points in my life.) Every time Mr. G sarcastically asks what I got in science, I smack him over the head with that paper and say, “Feels like an “A” to me, smart boy.”I’m heading back home today, which means your caped crusader is about to return to the bat cave. I had a great time yesterday BBQ’ing with a bunch of trailer trash I met in Conyers. We even had a ho’down complete with lots of ho’s.

I’m disappointed that I didn’t get to Griffin, Georgia. I wanted to stop in at the PD and tell them their Chief is a hottie. He even made my hottcops blog. Have I mentioned my blog? Nah, I probably shouldn’t talk about cops on a porn site. Oh, look. I just did.

So I’m busy packing up my stuff, along with some of South’s stuff that is “steal-able” and I’m checking out the CNN news at the same time. It’s funny, but when Robin is anchoring in the morning and the weather dude comes on, you clearly see him standing about five feet away from her. Yet in the evening, we’re told the guy is in the “CNN Weather Center” and they use a split screen. Puhleeze. The CNN “weather center” is probably some geek in the corner hunched over his computer stealing the weather from the Weather Channel.

Dirty B(o)(o)b writes: “You have me confused. You state that there are no stars to be seen at night in the Atlanta skies. I figured that, after all those trips to that big Disease Center in Atlanta that apparently solely exists to give South fodder for AIM bashing…and South’s subsequent and frequent passing through that radioactive gate they have at their door to kill diseases…a logical assumption would be that (once you turn off the lights) the ceiling in South’s bedroom would be saturated with glow-in-the-dark cum stains (which are much better than those Wal Mart sticky-stars you bought for your trailer).
Unless, of course, that you aren’t brave enough to douse the lights in his bedroom…which is something which nobody would ever think of faulting you for… “
Bob, we all know that when South is involved, splooge doesn’t land anywhere but on a chick’s face. And FYI, I don’t *have* sticky stars at the trailer. I can see the real things perfectly fine through the holes in the ceiling, thank you very much. “Sticky stars..” mutter, mutter,…he says that like I’m lowbrow.

I’ve loaded the Hoveround into the Rio so all that’s left is to turn South’s refrigerator way high and turn the water on in the shower. I’m going to be nice to him this time. I’m going to safely lock the key inside his place so that it doesn’t get stolen. Why? Because I care, that’s why.

Later, kids.

(noon) Oooh, sad news from Pittsburgh this morning. Steeler quarterback Ben Rothlisberger has been involved in a motorcycle accident on the Tenth Street Bridge and Second Street. Rothlisberger, who apparently was not wearing a helmet at the time of the accident allegedly has severe head and facial injuries. A woman was attempting to make a left hand turn in his path, although he had the green light, and apparently he couldn’t stop in time and went into her windshield. The paramedics and police officers said Ben tried to stand when they arrived on the scene, but he got to his knees then collapsed.

The news reported that Ben’s refusal to wear a helmet when driving his motorcycle has been addressed several times within the Steeler organization. I mention this, of course, because South is a HUGE football fan. Ironically Ben talked about the issue of not wearing a helmet 45 minutes prior to the accident on FOX news.

As if the hair thing wasn’t bad enough, I’m bored here in Atlanta. I spent the whole evening watching a Lingo marathon and I don‘t even understand how to play it. I did go out for a short while when I read about a photo exhibit featuring pictures of children wanting to be adopted. I slapped a few of my kid’s pictures there and came home. I’m sure they’d appreciate the chance at a good home. I drove all the way to Atlanta for this?! Hell, if I wanted to sit around all day and do nothing, I could have stayed home. I can’t believe NONE of South’s friends have called and asked me to hang out. I mean, I know a lot of his friends are in prison, some in the witness protection program and a couple are in rehab, but all I ever hear about is “Southern hospitality.” Then I get down here and find out y’all aren’t hospitable at all. If Mike was up North at my place, my neighbors would all be calling him and asking him to come over……and babysit. If they were going to their AA meetings, then out for a drink, they’d invite South…..to babysit. And if we went to a GA meeting then off to bingo–we all know it’s not gambling if it’s done in the name of the Lord–we wouldn’t let him sit home alone. We’d have him babysitting. But fine. Be that way.

After supper, I went out to load up on candy so I could blame my depression on chemical imbalances, and drown my sorrows in more sugar and diet Pepsi. I followed some po’ chick and her dirty little brats into Publix. I watched all misty eyed as the mom spit on her finger and wiped the one boy‘s face, then spit on her finger again and fixed the other little boy‘s hair. She spit once again to clean a little bit of dog poo off her shoes. Sigh. Only a woman can truly understand the versatility of a good spit.

Then I saw another woman with a kid standing in her grocery cart. The kid was throwing the items out of the cart as quickly as his mother was putting them in. She kept saying, “Honey, we don’t do that. We don’t throw things.” I kept thinking, “Slap. His. Ass. Already.“ I used to wonder why scientists insisted on cloning smart people. Now I know it’s because the dumb people are capable of multiplying at high rates of speed, all on their own. Unfortunately.

I drove my Hoveround into the store, and some kid yelled, “Hey! Look at the fat lady!” Mowing him down while yelling “stock up on tissues and hand cream, pimple face. You’re gonna need it,” didn’t give me the sense of elation that it usually does.

The bratty, dirty kids and moms with a hopeless air about them just deepened my sense of homesickness, so when I came back to South’s place, I decided to sit outside on the front stoop and look at the stars. There were three things wrong with that plan: you can’t sit outside anywhere at night in Atlanta, South doesn’t have a front stoop and there are no stars down here!!

But I’m not going to sit here and mope anymore. I’ve snooped through all of South’s shit, and still I yearn for intelligent activities. I’m tossing his grill into the trunk of my Rio, and I’m going to drive around until I see trailers because where there are trailers, there are trailer trash. My people. Like the Muslims returning to Mecca, I, too, must return to my own kind before I wither and die. Holy shit, I feel like E.T. I feel like Dorothy. I feel like snooping through South’s financial papers one more time, and then I’ll leave. Who knew one person could have so much credit card debt?

I’m not feeling so great. I got winded last night having an orgasm. I think my left lung is starting to give out on me because of having to pull double duty. And my hair hasn’t moved in the three days. This morning I tried to run my fingers through it and it took me forty five minutes to work them free. My hair looks exactly the same in the morning as it does when I go to bed at night. I think that’s because my head isn’t really touching the pillow. If I take a fall while I’m here, I’m going to try and land on my head. My Southern hair will absorb the blow.

If I hear that stupid song by Nick Lachey one more time I’m gonna vomit.
“I don’t wanna live in the shadows of my mistake…blah blah ..whine whine.” I find it interesting that now that he has some
sort of celebrity himself–due to the fact that he married a celeb–suddenly Jessica has become a “mistake.” Personally, I think
she’s playing this ALL WRONG. I read that she was getting into fights with chicks who were dating Nick.
In a public situation like that, you must NEVER let a man know that his using you has affected you.
She’s coming off as needy and immature. Jessica needs to surround herself with four or five huge, hunky guys at all times.
She needs to make sure that at least three of these guys are black dudes to send Nick the oh so subtle, “I don’t need your small, pasty white
penis anymore, Caucasian boy” message. Only then can she begin to “heal.”

Tony writes: “Goddess, does South live in a white trash section of Atlanta?“
Did ya see the doorbell, Tony? Did ya see the grill? Do ya have to axe? Truthfully, the houses around here are fairly nice, so I don’t know if his neighbors qualify as “white trash.“ Da ‘hood has been fairly deserted since I arrived. I suspect most of his neighbors are out trying to get $2 an hour jobs building that fence to keep out illegals.

Because I’m illin’, I’m spending the entire day in bed reading and watching vids. I was reading an article on MSN about five dream jobs for a woman. They were: vacation tour guide–oh puhleeze, in my hometown?! “And this is what abject poverty looks like…”; wardrobe stylest to the stars–why not be a star yourself??; ice cream creator–sorry lactose (and work) intolerant; doll designer–huh? some of us gave up dolls years ago; and concert promoter–who thinks up this shit?
Now here are MY FIVE DREAM JOBS:
1. Practice “dummy” used in advanced cunnilingus education classes
(Advanced classes ONLY. No sense in being frustrated at home AND on the job…)
2. The lucky chick who measures the uniform inseams for cops
(if you need me to explain this one you haven’t been reading my site for very long)
3. Chocolate tester.
(I’m picturing me on the floor with a funnel of chocolate going directly into my mouth. And yes, I LOVE to swallow.)
4. Well paid, world renown writer
(when all else fails, try something else you have a snowball’s chance in hell of achieving…)
5. Good Mother
(sssh, not really. I tossed that in there in case the Mother of the Year judging panel is reading. notice writer came BEFORE good mother???)

Now I am doing the best thing I have ever done by far. I’m laying in South’s bed watching a porn video of ANOTHER MAN. BWAHAHAHAHA. I’m watching a Jack Lawrence video in Mike South’s bed!! Is that not delicious? It’s almost like I’m cheating on him. I feel all giddy and sacrilegious, like the time I told the new Deacon at our church that he was wasting his time giving himself to the Lord when there were so many women in the parish willing to give it to him.

I’m watching Coxxx & Soxxx 4. My girlfriend bought it for me and gave it to me for my birthday. While I like Jack’s scene, I have a couple small problems with it. I know I haven’t seen a lot of porn lately, but since when does talking about a chick’s knee socks pass for verbal foreplay? Ugh. That was painful to listen to. I’m guessing that was a theme throughout the rest of the vid, which I did not watch cuz the rest of it seems to be chicks on chicks. Not my thang. I’m wondering what’s up next? “Girdles and Coxxx?“

While Jack is very attractive and sexy in his cop gear–the bulletproof vest was a nice touch to add authenticity to the scene–I wanted to see a stronger, more forceful performance from him. He was one of those “nicey nice” cops. You know, the kind that are usually standing quietly beside the sarcastic cop that pulls you over and reams you out? I wanted Jack to take charge of those chicks. Show ‘em the long arm of the law. And then I wanted him to call for “back up.“

I noticed that when there are more than two people in a sex scene, there tends to be WAY TOO MUCH moaning and groaning and “oh yeah-ing” going on. But if your gf has a cop fetish–and really, who doesn’t? Check out Coxxx & Soxxx 4. Wow. Not only am I watching this in South’s bed, but I’m pimping another guy’s video on his site! Thank God he’s too busy getting pussy to pay attention to what I’m talking about.

Oh and one more thing about Jack. He autographed the DVD’s. Unfortunately they were autographed to my gf, since she bought the vids, but I thought that was a nice gesture on his part just the same. He also thanked her for being a good fan. Um, hello? When has that good for nothing South ever thanked ME for being a “good fan”?? All I ever hear is, “You’re a lousy stalker.”

Now that I’m all turned on by this cop scene, I’m going to jill off to another man in South’s bed. Life. It just keeps getting sweeter and sweeter by the day.