n the bit below on Mr Baldwin I credited Taylor with having rebuked me over a comment about Heather Veitch. It has come to my attention that Taylor wasn’t even there, but had left herself logged in and someone else else did that under her administrator login…It wasn’t Taylor…my apologies to Taylor.

Steven Baldwin 3 Wankus, Tyler and KSEX 0:

Tonight was the (not so) much heralded appearance of Steven Baldwin on Wankus’ KSEX Radio Show. After some wrangling over video rights Baldwin finally made his appearance about 30 minutes late. He may as well have simply taken over the show himself and sent everyone else home.

The show was apparently being videotaped by VH1 for Baldwins show there and I don’t know if Wankus got star struck by Baldwin or camera shy about VH1 cameras but the showe could not have been more embarrassing for us porners.

Wankus clearly had not done any show prep for this guy and simply let him come on and spew the party line of the neo-christians. You know… all the I’m hip and I’m cool and I’m for Jesus stuff. Then Baldwin punctuates it with the because I know I am right, because apparently God has annointed Baldwin his spokesperson..Baldwin proceeds to point out how his decision must be right for everyone and how he wants us all to be as happy as he is…through legislation of course.

Wankus allowed him to use the disproven secondary effects argument with no challenge, Wankus S/O Tyler chimed in from time to time to assist in the “lets all kiss Steven Baldwins Ass” Party that lasted about an hour.

I was in the chat room and pointed out how sad it was that Heather Veitch (who claimed she got religion because of the Y2K Scare) was the smartest person in the studio…A blonde porn chick who found Jesus because she feared a computer virus…This caused someone under Taylor Wane’s login ( It wasn’t Taylor) to rebuke me, I responded with a please feel free to kick me out and ban me at any time. She wisely chose not to do so.

I like Wankus and I guess I can’t beat him up too bad, I mean he was clearly in way over his head, Baldwin and Heather Veitch ruled the night while the only guy present that was willing to question Baldwin intelligently (Bob from Xbiz) was squelched…hey it IS Wankus show and if he chooses to turn it over to Steven Baldwin for a night he does have that right.

I can hear it now…When VH1 airs this they will all claim that VH1 edited it to make porners look bad. Sorry y’all I was there, VH1 isn’t going to be who made porners look bad. Our spokespersons (Wankus and Tyler) did that on their own.

Damn Shame.

Home, Home Again, I Like To Be Here When I Can:

Back from Dayton and boy what a trip…I mean where else can you see two strippers get in a fight in the parking lot of a strip club just as the cops come through…then one stripper gets tasered and they both go to jail…..Just another night at Flamingos….

Meet The New Neighbors:

OK I gotta give some credit where it’s due. I was thoroughly prepared to hate this video. Im not big on the mixing of porn and religion as a rule and most of the story driven crap that comes out of Porn Valley isn’t worth the cost of the cellophane the DVD comes wrapped in.

What raised my curiousity about this flick was the fact that Van Halen guitarist Eddie Van Halen is said to be the money and power behind sllab, so I figured hey…Rob Zombie had sime success with it…

“The New Neighbors” is perfectly cast, no 20 year olds playing mom or dad here and the actors (and actresses to some degree) are as good as you can get in porn. A fellow named E.Z. Duzzit steals the show with his Kris Kristoferson inspired character, I suspect E.Z. is a mainstream actor moonlighting in porn, he was way to comfy in this role and his acting experience is very evident, (his is a non sex role).

Credit goes to Mike Horner and Randy Spears for being able to hold their own with this guy.

The story actually has character arcs (albiet rather small ones) and real plot points and it moves along nicely despite being a vehicle for sex scenes.

Speaking of the Sex Scenes are pretty damn hot, no doubt about it.

My only complaint about this movie is that it looked HORRID on an HDTV. The result of editing (probably) and mastering (defanately) in NTSC 30i. Thus the up-resed picture has bad aliasing (jaggies). Im sure that on a plain old TV set it looks fine.

My thoughts come awards day…This should do very well, including best picture, best director, best actor (Horner), Best Supporting Actor (Spears) and should have a LOCK on best non sex actor (Duzzit)

A Note To You Editors And Shooters Out There:

You should be shooting ALWAYS in progressive mode (preferrably 24p) , if you don’t know what that is please go back to work at McDonalds, we have too many idiots making porn as it is.

You should be editing in the same format the video was shot in (30p or 24p or HD or whatever)

You should MASTER your DVDs in 30p or 24p

I know most of you just look at your editing software and see NTSC and figure since thats what we use that must be right (It isnt)

All DVD players will interlace progressive scan video and add 3:2 pulldown if need be.

If you don’t know what Im talking about please remove Final Cut Pro you got off of Limewire from the G5 you normally play video games on and go back to work at WalMart.

Remember some years back when I wrote about a bunch of scumbags called personal porn? They ripped off a lot of porners by stealing their content and reselling it. Jill Kelly signed up to be the spokesperson, when I asked her about that she said “well they pay me”

Fast Forward to Jill’s involvement in another scam…Jill Kelly Productions. The company pulled some very questionable tactics, went public by buying a worthless already listed company and bilked investors for millions.

In the ensuing bankruptcy they were purchased by Penthouse, including Jill’s name…

Now the darling of the Porn Valley con artists wants her name back….and is suing Penthouse to get it.

Kinda fitting huh?

Sadly, Jill helped the front man for JKP (Bob Freidland) to bilk the company and investors out of millions, her salary was said to be well over 350K/year so it isn’t like she REALLY got what is coming to her.

But every little bit helps…..

More Stripper Quotes:

“Tim are we going to stay open until we close?”

“I’m the pick of the litter”

Taylor: “Tim, the ATM machine is broken”

Tim: “What’s wrong with it?”

Taylor: “It’s asking too many questions and it isn’t giving out money.”

Some Stripper Quotes:

“You better have me a blunt rolled when I get home”

“en if them niggas is eatin outta my fridgerator make damn sho they put five dollas in my jar” (she can use the n-word without being racist because she is black….)

“Don’t make me call my momma to come over therre and throw yo ass out”

If you are in the Dayton area come on out to Flamingos any night after about 9PM…I’m always there.

So expect some stripper quotes and other goofy shit.

Time To Take Some People To Task:

OK All you pussies whining about the accomodations at the Tampa Show. Can we talk here? You are pornstars at best, that is the ones who weren’t just straight out the damn trailer. Do you REALLY think the Ritz Carlton wants you in their hotel? At Any Price?

Nightmoves tried to upgrade our accomodations once and it was a disaster. The 4 star hotel they booked us into clearly didn’t want us there and they made us almost as miserable as we made them,

If you don’t know what Im talkin about read this

The Best Western they put us up in is clean and most importantly they accomodate us, they even LIKE having us there, and that counts for a lot. They keep the pool open, they keep the bar open and they tolerate our after hours antics.

Those of you whining about the bugs…HELLO It’s fucking Florida….the bugs never die from cold weather, they just grow until their body mass becomes too large to support. So yes theres some big ones and yes if you leave the door to your room open you will probably see some of them but I will take the occassional Palmetto bug over a French cocksucker hotel manager with hallway monitor syndrome any day.

If you are attending the Tampa Show to be treated like some sort of faux celebrity stay the hell home. The reason to go is to hang out, make some new friends and have fun with some people in the biz you otherwise never meet.

Hell that best western has better, cleaner bedrooms that most of you have at home, I know that for a fact.

So when you come to Tampa enjoy the fun we have and the fact that the hotel welcomes us…that or stay the fuck in Los Angeles where you can believe you are someone special.

Jeez…sometimes porners make me wanna throw up.

Dan Davis: “Lets throw Monstar into the pool and see if his make up runs”

Monstar: “I’m not wearing any”

Dan Davis: “OK lets throw Monstar into the pool and see if he can swim”

Lexi LaMour: (To Monstar) ” I have your eyeliner in my room”

Mike South: (on observing someones dog swimming in the pool) “Look it’s one of Dirty Bob’s girls in the pool!” (Tracy high fives Mike)

Carmen Luvana: (When asked in an interview for ZFanz what she thought about 2257) whatever she said she said so fast that nobody understood it, I think half was english and half was spanish…we all just looked at each other dumbfounded because she is so fucking HOT!

Name Ommitted To Protect The Guilty: ( I swear it wasn’t me ) ” Caravan of Stars? Looks more like a Caravan of pigs.

Adell: (To Luke Ford) “Mike South lost 27 pounds on Jenny Craig”

Katy Zovolerin: (to me) “Has a girl ever stuck her finger in your ass”?

Me: “Are you kidding? I can’t even pass a mustard seed”

And a WORD OUT To the DJ at the Nightmoves Show on Sunday Night, Whoever You Were:

YOU SUCK As A DJ Whatever Your Day Job Is…Don’t Quit It!

I’m not sure if this has hit the adult press yet or not…

Any of you who watch FX can attest to the fact that they are HEAVILY promoting a new series coming soon called “Dirt” It stars Courtney Cox and according to my sources and some industry insider sites none other than Stormy Daniels has landed not just a bit part but a recurring role.

This could be huge, with the Popularity of “Nip Tuck”, FX has gone all out on “Dirt” to capture pretty much the same audience. Will Stormy be Dirt’s Kimber Henry? Time will tell.

Happy Birthday Jessica Drake Whomever you Are:

Depending on which ID you are using you are either 35, 32 or 30 today. I hear there’s a party for her at the local bingo hall….

If you are out of gift ideas I’m told that a boob job repair would be appreciated…

yaya I know that’s cold…but so is sicking your lawyers on me so suck it up buttercup.

Well apparently Steve Orenstein and the folks at Wicked Pictures are all for free press, cept of course when the press is pointing out that porners may want to give their records a second look because Jessica Drake has more different identities than that Sybil chick in the movie by the same name. While this is still an active story on my end I am still awaiting info from professional resources. But unless you have her date of birth as 10/14/1971 then the ID you have is likely incorrect.

Anyway getting to it, I got a call from Steve Seidman yesterday uninviting me from some little show he and John Gray are doing in Houston (Wicked is throwing money at the show) , I could tell Steve wasn’t happy about being the one to tell me. What Steve didn’t know was that I was doing the show as a favor to him anyway and that I wasn’t exactly looking forward to the 13 hr drive to Houston so it really didn’t bother me at all.

Nor does it bother me that Wicked demanded that I be cut, hey they have every right to do so.

So why am I bitching? Well it might have something to do with the fact that I gave Steve, Jessica and Joy King every opportunity to contact me and none bothered. Save for a mildly threatening letter from Wicked’s Attorneys I have not heard a word from anyone at Wicked and y’all in the south know what we call that:

Chickenshit.

To address a few issues anyone who thinks I have a cat, much less one named Mr Snuggles probably also believes I am on Jenny Craig and like the brownies nest.

Tampa Was a Blast, As Always:

There wasn’t much drama this year, no urinating on inflateable farm animals, just a few porn chick items.

First was Mallory Knox, some train wreck from God knows where….she proceeded to piss of Paul and Tracy and was asked to leave the show. Since she had no room for the night Pamela Anderson (Metro Publicist) said she could stay with her and her hubby, well it took Mallory all of about 15 minutes before she pissed off Pam and Jimmy and Pam booted her, so on to Sean Michaels room, where she even pissed HIM off….Blonde, white and Sean Michaels threw her ass out of his room…that about says it all right there.

Stormy Came By That Name Honest:

As reported on my KSEX weekly call in the big event was in the ladies restroom at the Nightmoves Awards. Some local chick got in Stormy’s face and Stormy politely warned her not to touch her. The girl didn’t heed the warning and Stormy proved she wasn’t just whistlin Dixie, she wore that girls ass OUT….Knocked out two teeth, probably the only two the moron had to begin with….

All this just prior to being presented the Anna Malle Award, Anna would’a been proud, cuz that’s exactly what she’d have done.

Special Thanks To Paul And Tracy Allen:

Of Nightmoves Magazine, as always it was a blast! Thanks for having me!

I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE this motel! The sex is FANTASTIC!! Forget Elmo, forget the offspring, forget home, I just want to lay here and have sex vicariously through these two sexaholics. I sweated off five pounds in the last two days and I’m just listening! Besides, South never said I had to make it to his place to get those pics of Dan, he just said I had to write his updates, and I’ve been doing that. Along with a hell of a lot of jilling off.
Unfortunately Mr. G over nighted me a Tom Tom GPS system, along with a note that I had to get home pronto pronto or he’d kick my ass. That is bullshit bullshit. But I’m packing, damn it.
I just got off the phone with the offspring. Apparently there was a “Bless The Family Pet” ceremony at church on Sunday and the offspring decided that Holly needed to be an official lapsed Catholic like the rest of us. Not that they didn’t “baptize” the little punk on their own after we got her. As soon as I heard the words “Church” and “Holly,” I thanked God I wasn’t there. I said to Female Offspring #6, “Honey, what were you thinking? It was a baptism, NOT an exorcism, and that’s the only thing that will help that she devil at this point in time.“ Everything was going fine until some smart ass Pomeranian with a nasty ‘tude decided to sniff Holly’s ass and all hell broke loose. The offspring seem to think the Pomeranian didn’t like Holly cuz she’s a black Lab. I said, “Now, now. Let’s not bring the race card into this.”
Apparently the cops showed up at the trailer, too, while I was away and told the offspring that I have to stop running my ad during late night cable tv, asking for donations to my “help the children” campaign. I went so far as to send the donors a picture and letter about each of the children that they adopted financially for the year just like that Sally Struthers chick does. Is it my fault they didn’t realize the kids were mine? I even made the kids write them a monthly letter to keep them updated on their “adopted” child’s “progress.” The people alleged that I said the kids were from a Third World Country. WRONG. I said they were from the Third World Trailer Court and Tackle Shop. Anywho, everything was fine until Male Offspring #7 asked his sponsor for a new DVD player. Greedy little punk. Where am I going to get money for our rice and powdered milk now?
I was watching tv at the café Sunday morning and they had some religious program on. At the end the woman said, “Remember, Jesus cares for you and so do we.” Jesus CARES for me?! He used to LOVE me. When did I get downgraded to CARING??
My definition of hilarious: Adrienne Curry making fun of Paris Hilton for being stupid. Even funnier is Curry saying of Baywatch, “The show enriched NO ONE,” as opposed to her show, My Fair Brady, which has enriched countless lives the world over.
As if that Head On commercial wasn’t annoying enough, now they have someone interrupt the commercial to say that while the product works, they hate Head On’s ad. Well, guess what? I hate the person that interrupts the commercial that I hate.
Just my thought but Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (MXC) on Spike is one of THE DUMBEST SHOWS I’ve ever had the misfortune of having to watch while waiting for my meal. And why do I just know it probably appeals to the same crowd that like Star Trek?
I’m actually typing up the last part of this post from my own driveway. I just can’t bring myself to get out of the car and go back to insane trailer life…..sigh. The offspring are screaming and pounding on my windows and I’m going into “mother mode” aka I pretend I can’t see or hear them.
Song that I heard way too many times on the drive home? “About Us” by Brooke Hogan. When did this rich white chick turn ghetto? In her overproduced song, she talks about how the press won’t leave her alone and says, “Picture yourself up in my shoes, top story in the news.” Uh huh sure. Then she goes on to utter the classic line, “I’m just trying to live but you’re all up in my grill.” Poor Brooke. The imaginary media police are all up in her grill and chasin’ her all over da imaginary ‘hood.
I never did find a TMX Elmo so, parents, you know what you have to do. If your child really wants this toy, NOW is the time to start laying the groundwork so he/she doesn’t experience bitter disappointment come Christmas morn. (I was scarred for life when Santa didn’t bring my Chrissy Doll!) Every now and then drop something negative about Elmo into the conversation like, “I heard that Elmo smokes cigarettes” or “Elmo giggles so much because he‘s high on marijuana.” Then shake your head as if you’re disgusted with Elmo.
Ok, there’s no ignoring the inevitable. I gotta get out of this car and email this drivel to South. But I’ll leave you with this: guys, you’ve always wanted to be a porn star? Well, here’s your chance…