Hulk Hogan caught by the paparazzi rubbing suntan lotion on his daughter’s ass.

Animated gif from Jesse Capps at RockConfidential.com.

There was a time when Vivid was a class act, if you can say that anyone in porn is a class act, but those days are long gone apparently. Long Gone.

In it’s latest shameless attempt to capitalize on the celebrity sex tape horse shit, (Toasty Toof?  Please…) Vivid has decided that it would be a good idea to release a “sex tape” of what is supposed to be Jimi Hendrix.

Whether it actually is or not is very suspect his face appears for less than 2 seconds and his eyes are shut. It was shot on 8mm film a very very long time before 99% of the current crop of porn chicks were even born, (Hendrix has been dead for 38 years)

But lets assume it actually is Hendrix, does anyone actually care?  would anyone even WANT to see it? The liklihood that it is even remotely watchable is slim indeed….remember what a fucked up job Vivid did with the Kim Kardashian video?

But at least  The Hirsch family wont have to worry about being sued, Hendricx is dead, you can say anything you want about dead people, theres nothing to defame there.  Remember that Steve Hirsch.  Steve Hirsch should be ashamed of himself, this relegates him to ranks of Rob Black in terms of stupid porn tricks.

Just my $0.02 worth.

Going about your day and running into an Arab is a daily part of modern American life. From the heartland to the left coast, I see Arabs when I pump my gas or when I have a craving for 6 day old bread at 2:30 in the morning. With that being said, I’m not going to sit here today and write about convenience store sleeper cells. I’m going to write about the Arab that rarely gets spoken of. The Porn Industry Arab.

I see them coming from miles away at all the adult industry conventions. A short Brillo Pad Jeri Curl that glistens in the sun like a camels lips at a sand dune watering hole. They drive up in the typical oil money prick uniform (Mercedes and a Armani Suit). They step out of the car and intensely stare down any blonde female within half a block repeatedly playing out clit removal fantasies over and over in their heads.

Just because you invest Bogwan money in feet sniffing videos by no means makes you an industry player no matter how hard you wack your bag at night thinking you are one. Just quit the fantasy of scoring a hot porn star as a trophy girlfriend beyond the typical three hour escort scenario you pay for. I quietly hang in the background at these conventions and watch for sport as you desperately attempt to take part in the American sexual dream. You have no respect for personal boundaries as you grope women and try to bully them into going back to your hotel room with you and your eight brothers. No means fucking no! They don’t want any part of your slurpee ejaculation. When are you going to learn? Don’t even sit down next to me at the hotel bar and try to impress me with your porn industry mogul talk. You might as well be stocking Twinkies at 4AM because I don’t care or give a shit about anything you’re saying. You don’t see me scratching expiration dates off of milk cartons at 3:30 in the morning, so don’t try to deliver me anymore feature plots that involve 37 virgin scenarios. Your money is no good with me as long as you continue to treat the women in this industry like shit.

I think the government needs to take a little detour south the next time they’re cruising through the valley on a 2257 enforcement run and check the records over there at good ol’ Disney. It looks like Walt’s family entertainment empire is selling underage sex these days.

My friend Teresa ( who has her own Hunting and Fishing TV Show ) sent me these pics:

Apparently she has come up with this new idea to beautify America and reduce unsightly billboard advertising. She puts the ads on turtles. She swears it poses no harm to the little critters and even remarked this one seemed overly popular with the lady turtles. I’m not sure if it’s because the lady turtles like literate males or maybe its a reflection on his sexual sophistication.

The turtle declined comment.

The first person to send me the CORRECT answer to this question wins a free month membership to BOTH my sites.

Are You a Turtle?

Yes, she is tall and pretty, she has no compunction about sucking cock or taking facials, but that aint it.

Yes she is smart and witty and successful, but that aint it either.

Yes she is going to cast me in her next movie, as the President, but that still ain’t it.

We were in Florida last week at the Exxxotica Miami show and next to the booth some guy was giving a seminar, the seminar was really a sales pitch for his how to make porn class in Tampa.

He was telling the people that with a single, self shot scene they could make over a half million dollars. How it’s simple to make millions of dollars a year in porn and only work part time.  I’m thinkin DAMN! I been doing it wrong all these years.

So you are probably wondering who this guy was…Jewn from Digital Playground? Nope! Steve Hirch from Vivid? Nope! Neil From Clips4Sale? Nope! This guy has less porn credentials than Tony Batman, who I like and am sure he hasnt made millions in porn. So me and Stormy and Nautica Thorn and Lisa Sparxxx and a few others peek in on this seminar, the guys partner onstage sees us and realizes impending disaster. He tries to cut the guy off but no….he is on a roll…theres MILLIONS of dollars to be made.

Stormy slips out and gets a big poster and on back, in big black sharpee she writes:

Cough!

Cough!

BULLSHIT!

Then slips around backstage, slipping behind the curtains where the peopl on stage cant see her but the audience can.  She holds up the sign for everyone to see while the Og Mandino of porn is still giving his pitch.

We are all crying laughing, the guy never misses a beat and Stormy stands there a good 2 or 3 minutes, smiling sweetly.

Now there’s a chick after my own heart….You go Stormy!

You know, in my rush to finish my post the other night so I could go rub up against a girl who was way younger than me and definitely out of my league, I neglected to acknowledge ANOTHER independent straight shooter in the porn blogging world who I was a huge fan of during his momentous run. I am also particularly ashamed that I neglected to mention him considering the fact that both of our ancestors derived from the same boot. If my great grandmother were still alive today, she would be sitting at the kitchen table right now rolling meatballs and shooting me the evil eye for my gross error.

Jimmy D is the porno equivalent of the masterfully wise and acclaimed future seer Nostradamus. While other porn bloggers spent their days copying and pasting press releases and updating actress escorting rates like the NASDAQ ticker, Jimmy D sat at his computer with a refined composure and expertly informed us all that this industry was going to shit. Not only did Jimmy D take to his electronic pulpit in educating the masses regarding the impending doom of the DVD, Jimmy D also acted as a porn goodwill ambassador in counteracting the jesus freaks by cutting his hair and putting out to the world a likable and well-adjusted image of the professional pornographer.

By the power vested in me by MikeSouth.com, I hereby proclaim Friday, April 25th, 2008 (or whatever day Jimmy D happens to read this post) as “Jimmy D Appreciation Day on MikeSouth.com”. Unfortunately, there isn’t really a budget for a red carpet blowout or a fancy key to the city ceremony, but I am very willing to spring for lunch one of these days at a fine dining establishment where they don’t make you carry a tray to your table. Congratulations Jimmy D!

FLGuy writes:

“I heard you on this topic last weekend in Miami but some haggard looking guttersnipe interrupted your answer and I never really got an answer. You mentioned a peeled banana or something.”

That wasn’t a guttersnipe FLGuy that was Taylor Whine….I mean Wayne, Wane, Waine whatever… Show a little respect huh…

OK before any of you start with the fucking jokes I don’t know how to deep throat, but I do know how to learn how should I ever decide to go that route.

I once shot a girl who was so intensely good at deep throat I asked this 18 year old how, at her tender age, she learned to do that shit. She answered “Bananas”, and she would know, her name was Anastasia Blue.

Taylors crack about you don’t suck fruits, you suck cock is technically correct, but it shows why she sucks cock instead of teach classes in physiology.

The principle obstruction in the process of deep throating is the gag reflex, and we all know what that induces…vomit, puke, the technicolor yawn whatever you wanna call it, unless you are Max Hardcore or maybe Taylor’s boyfriend the thought of it on your manhood isn’t all that appealing.

Thats where the banana comes in, its softer than a penis, roughly the same size and shape, and there isnt a man attached to the other end of it poking it around at you. Have your girl (or guy) practice with the banana by lying back in a comfy positionwith the head tilted back, take the peeled banana ad insert it gently until you get the ability to relax the throat muscles and get past the gag reflex, this may take a little work but is she wants to learn and you dont want her dinner all over your penis and floor it beats learning with the real thing.

Should Taylor wish to comment here…feel free.

I started reading the porn blogs a few years back even though I was working on the other side of the hill at the time. In my opinion, porn valley is like the wild west version of the mainstream entertainment industry. The corporate hierarchy at Paramount has probably screwed more people out of backend money than all the adult industry money beefs combined. However, they don’t use baseball bats in corporate entertainment to solicit financial restitution. I wish they did though. It would have made the monotonous daily Hollywood bureaucracy much more interesting.

Reading about these various “Goodfellas style” incidents on the porn blogs over the years offered an entertaining breath of fresh air for burnt out industry types like me who were looking to formulate an exit strategy. I turned many a writer and producer onto reading Luke Ford and Gene Ross back in the day. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of that porn blog material turned up as a subplots in shitty basic cable crime dramas.

I do not know the history behind Luke Ford writing about the adult industry, but I do know that he became popular as a result of his willingness to throw anyone and everyone under the bus. Unlike a majority of the current crop of porn bloggers out there, Luke did not have a dog in the hunt. At least during his later years. He wasn’t trying to sell a movie or start an agency. He was like the blogging equivalent of an Inspector Clouseau, risking his life in somewhat comedic fashion to expose the bad guys. That whole “I don’t give a shit what the industry thinks of me” is the key element that’s lacking in todays porno blogosphere.

Anyone who visits this site on a daily basis knows that Mike South is the last of a dying breed of independent straight shooters who is always ready to give you a common sense opinion free of the typical bullshit associated with the porn industry. I think Justa Guy made some vaild points in his email to Mike, but it seems like he’s longing for days of the past and a facet of the industry that just doesn’t exist anymore.

I truly believe that the business of porno will take on many more dramatic twists and turns than the ones already occurring. This will result in the demise of many of the traditional bedrock companies that cultivated decades of success in this industry. At the same time, many new companies will shoot up with savvy business models and replace the old. That is the evolution of business. Even in porn valley. And with this evolution will come brand new drama and new scandals that will titillate and entertain the porn blog landscape. In the current, Kayden Kross is delivering a new type of industry perspective that has never been seen before on the porno blog front. I suggest you keep staying tuned for that.