“Hey, buddie!” is the way Miller would greet you. If he saw you across the room, it was even a louder ‘hey, buddie.’ Miller was the consummate salesman, back thumper, firm handshaker. Always had a funny story. Miller back in the day wore his blond hair Rod Stewart-style and cocked his head in a way to emphasize the hair cut.

Today I wonder if Miller has become the signpost for where the adult industry is going. Because things are not going that well. Truly, one of the coolest dudes on the planet, Miller, who was in town since May, took his life over the weekend and went out the way Hemingway went.

The way Hunter S. Thompson went. Maybe when you’re like those guys, that’s the way you’re supposed to do it. There was talk that Miller had suffered some business setbacks. But I’m hearing from people who just talked to him recently, that Miller was as exuberant and optimistic as ever. Maybe it’s because he never married. Exuberance stays with you a lot longer.

When I lived in Philadelphia and would make occasional trips to LA on behalf of AVN, I’d stay at Miller’s house in the Valley.

The first time Miller tells me, he’ll be waiting for me at LAX. I get there, no Miller. I call Miller to find out he’s at Jim South’s for the Thursday night poker game. I didn’t know about this little weekly ritual, but Miller tells me to take a cab to South’s. I’m kind of pissed off to tell you the truth. Later we went back to his house and spent most of my visit hanging by the pool, drinking like fraternity brothers and telling seduction stories.

Miller’s lifestyle struck me as a guy who dug shallow roots and was ready to move on at a given notice. Always well dressed though, his clothes closet was minimal. He was a guy who loved the written word- I know because he was always busting by balls about some article I had written- but I couldn’t find anything resembling a book in Miller’s house.

I do remember an old 8 by 10 black and white photo he kept of himself in the kitchen. It was from his younger days and he’s cradling an old Bell & Howell movie camera. And to explain the photo he’d tell me about his days on the Sunset Strip and how he’d hustle a buck every which way.

There were times later when “Dickie” and I met Friday nights- at the Red Onion on Canoga and Victory which is now the sports bat BJ’s. Miller wanted to do some project involving director Radley Metzger. It was a vampire movie, and Miller asked me write the script. But I think that project wound up in some cemetery in Trannsylvania because I never heard a word about it after several weeks of these get togethers.

I wrote a treatment but after awhile never bothered to ask where this project was headed. Miller’s gleeful personality was such that you avoided bringing up minor issues and details such as that.

Miller, who used to own Intropics Video back in the Eighties, left the country years ago to live in the Czech Republic. There he shared a house with Scotty Fox, a well known director from the business and another hard fisted drinker like Miller. I heard from Miller as soon as he got there. He urged me to move in with him, that the women there were the most beautiful in the world. And Miller woould then bring me up to date with the latest dormitory yarns involving him and Scotty chasing these broads.

Miller was always chasing women. The younger the better- but not to be taken in an evil sense. Miller was also known for bringing this girl named Angel into the business. She was a big thing for the time, then left. Later Miller tried bringing her back with disastrous results, and I busted his balls about that.

Miller would still come into town. Doctors, had, by this time, informed him of a brain aneurism and Miller had to have surgery. So when I met up with him at TGI Friday’s in the Valley on one of those visits, I half expected too see Frankenstein. But Miller looked fine and was joking and laughing though his hair was cut much shorter.

Miller was this Ponce de Leon character who carried the fountain of youth around with him. Though perhaps age and illness finally told him you can’t be Ponce any more.

The perennial schoolboy lives for the weekends and the eternal summers and the latest adventures they bring. For this you can’t wait to spring out of bed. When you grow older, with the attendant aches and pains and knowledge that you might be the funniest 60 year old guy in the room but no longer the object of some 20 year-old’s affection, you wonder if you’re going to wake up at all. And, if so, is it worth it for the rest of what life’s about to deal you.

Why Porn?

I got into porn because I just can’t seem to grasp this elusive idea we’ve all been socialized to conform to about how women should behave. I can’t buy into this Madonna/Whore complex. I got into porn because I can’t seem to understand how it has become more virtuous for a woman to throw her entire life away on one man in exchange for security and social standing. We have one life to live and women are taught to give all that up on a marriage to the “right man”, a man who she is not supposed to test out sexually, who may change down the line, who will ultimately be the biggest factor in her happiness. Women are taught to hold out and not give up their prized virginity until they get their asking price, but the women who give and take freely of sex and truly enjoy themselves are pushed into the gutter and ultimately are the ones who are called whores. Rather than commit to a lifelong pact and an uncertain future, why aren’t women socialized to enjoy their bodies and secure their own resources and create their own social standing? Why aren’t women taught to take charge of their happiness? Shouldn’t a woman who does this be the one who is respected rather than the weak ones whose only accomplishment in life is the male they managed to tie down or be tied down by? I know times have changed and it is much less common for women to actually wait until marriage, but this is still the ideal. Mothers will still brag if their daughters conform to this and daughters still lie to their mothers.

I got into porn because I like money, and the idea that wealth or success is bad will never resonate with me. The people who call material wealth a character flaw are the same people who ask for hand downs and expect others to give away freely what they’ve earned (yet ironically don’t want sex given freely). The people who criticize material wealth are never the people who have material wealth. They are the ones who for whatever reason chose not to capitalize on their potential. I will not allow these people to make me feel like I am somehow less virtuous than them.

Material wealth is a measure of success. It is a gauge for how well you’ve applied your resources. Economically the best thing I can do right now is porn, and I’m not ashamed of that. The dollar amount I make in porn is very high compared to the dollar amount one would pull in from an average job with a good education. Being in porn has nothing to do with an inability to do anything else and everything to do with a very simple economic rule: profit maximization. I’m interested in a future that is financially stable and will remain so independent of anyone else. I got into porn because I know the value of money. I know that $10,000 invested starting at age 14 is worth close to 1.2 million at age 65 with an annual return of 10%. $16,000 invested starting at 19 with the same rate of return is only worth about one million by age 65. And $78,000 invested starting at age 27 is only worth about .8 million by then. I got into porn because I want the biggest return for the hours I put in. My time is important to me and I am not willing to trade it for less than I can get in porn.

I got into porn because I cannot stand monotony. I do not want to throw my energy into anything that doesn’t change day to day and doesn’t allow me to build something. I got into porn because even when I’m working I’m doing the things I want to be doing while I’m young. I’m traveling, I’m going to school, I’m learning about the real world, and I still have the time and money to enjoy that nagging horse habit I have. I got into porn because I feel like I’m giving up the least while gaining the most.

I got into porn because for some reason I just don’t understand what is “wrong” with porn outside of social constructs. I understand what the social constructs are, I just don’t understand why as a nation we still buy into them. When people try to explain it to me it feels like they are holding a sheer curtain in front of the argument and as hard as I try I can’t help but see straight through it. I can’t see how sex is bad. I can’t see how enjoying sex is bad. I can’t see how sex can only be enjoyed when under the influence of a certain emotional state. Sex has huge mental components, yes, but at the end of the day it is a physical act and the orgasm is a physical response. I can’t see how liking different kinds of sex is bad. I can’t see how fetishes are harmful. I can’t understand why women have to be abused as children in order to like a little exhibitionism or S&M. I think these boundaries are all specific to the individual and should stop where the comfort level stops for all involved.

I got into porn because it is some of the greatest real world education I will get. Where else, at age 22, will I learn how to network and manage myself the way I do here? There are so many subtleties in this industry. Most of them I didn’t even see for the first year. I’m guessing there are many more that I’m not even aware of yet. At age 22, what other industry is going to give me the green light on running my own business? Because that is what these websites are. They are small businesses and the girls who get them going and keep them running are small business owners. College does not provide this kind of instruction. College will provide theory only and I want both. I intend to run a much larger business someday.

I got into porn because I really do like the sex. There is a rush that still hasn’t gone away when I have sex on a set. There is a rush in talking about it. There is something very carnal that takes over when I see men like the ones I work with. I’m always asked what my biggest fantasy is in interviews and I have a hard time articulating it. For me, there is nothing like fucking a man for the sheer purpose of fucking him. There is nothing like seeing a person that I consider to be completely male and just experiencing him in that way. I will get off on the way his muscles move when he grabs me. I will get off on his jaw line. I will get off on him getting off on me. That is what I fantasize about.

I did not get into porn because of a strict background, or because of abuse. Even if I had been a victim as a child I would not let myself simply be bounced around today. I refuse to let choices be made for me. I also refuse to let anti-porn comments hurt me personally, because I believe that the final result should not be focused on so much as the reasoning behind it. When I do hear anti-porn comments, I look for the reasoning behind them and the reasoning usually crumbles. I think it is ironic that sex is in the gutter but our arguments have more merit. I think it is ironic that sex workers are in the gutter but we are more honest with ourselves than those passing judgment. Generally I think it is ironic that American culture is more backwards about sex than most of the western world as we try to hold our footing as self appointed leaders on the world stage. Mostly, I think it is strange that with the substantial amount of money porn stars make they are still asked why they do it.

Darrah: The reason I think Shelley is a threat is she is portraying herself to be knowledgeable about this subject. You say the big threats are the religious organizations. I agree. Now as long as they are just waving their bibles in the face of lawmakers they don’t have much to stand on, but when they wave the Shelleys of the world in the face of lawmakers they are taken more seriously. Shelley is being treated as empirical evidence. If you think I’m joking, take a look at the long list of venues she’s been asked to speak at. It is all religious and political. Now the reason I’ve been attacking her is I think she needs to be discredited and no one else seems to be doing it.

Darrah and Goddess: You both implied that I’m spending too much time on Shelley. Yes I’ve written three very long posts about her. I would have liked to have only done one but I jumped the gun and wrote the first the day I met her, then had forgotten about her until LA Erotica and wrote the second when the “Porn Industry Facts” popped up at the convention, and then thought I’d gotten it all out until someone emailed me her biography and put me on the radio with her. But on the flip side, is anyone paying attention to how much time Shelley spends on the industry? She’s made it a full time job. She emails every single performer. I got special treatment though. She sent me a care package. But really, I don’t think she appreciates all the time I’ve been spending on her.

Dirtybob: I really appreciate the logic behind that second comment. Now the reason I never pay attention to HPV in any posts is because I personally consider it a non issue. There is a vaccine. I’ve taken it and I figure anyone else who wants to can take it as well. With the kind of money we make there is no reason not to. And I think you should definitely talk to Mike about paying me by the word (:

Holycrapper: see Dirtybob.

As far as my facts on the amount of money the industry makes, I’ve never claimed to know. I cited a number that Charles Calderon used, and then I quoted a number that Shelley used. I don’t know how much money the Industry makes. The STD rates I used in my first post were taken from AIM. If these are wrong I don’t know who has the right information.

Tony: I’m pretty sure I addressed yours already. Thanks for posting. I never like what you say but at least I know you care.

Apparently somewhere else there is a post claiming I got my facts wrong about the non-profit thing (Adult FYI?). I think if Shelley’s foundation fell into the protected category that is mentioned she would not have changed her website immediately following my post.

And finally, Finleypk: You didn’t pop up until after my Dear Darrah letter so I can‘t help but wonder if maybe you were hoping for one too. Darrah at least was trying to make some points. You don’t seem to be making any so you won’t be getting a letter. If you read through any of my posts you will see that I obviously have used the word “it’s” correctly many times, so forgetting an apostrophe is a typo, not a misunderstanding of the English language. And Britney was diagnosed as being bipolar.

Now Grant and Tim haven’t posted. What the fuck guys did you forget about me?