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If You Knew Kayden Like I Know Kayden

Our own Kayden Kross got herself a Fleshlight deal, and as much as I wanted to just let it alone I couldn’t. I mean, everyone else will give you the Official Press Release version but we here at (that means me and Tim Case) decided that it needs a more in depth treatment.

I mean few people outside her immediate family know Kayden Kross like I do, and when I suggested to her that I might write this she said “I see the potential humor in it.”

So we took it out of the packaging and sure enough it had an immediate resemblance to Kayden, it is warm and moist on the inside and cold and hard on the outside. But it does have advantages, there is no mouth so its generally very quiet. It doesn’t bitch, whine, moan or obsess about anything and it doesn’t ask for much. It doesn’t demand Starbucks and It won’t berate you either.

If you put it on a car seat that isn’t heated it wouldn’t complain. It wont turn its nose up when you drive past a Rue 21. When you take it to dinner, it won’t spend 75% of the evening tweeting and you have the benefit of the fact that it will certainly put out at the end of the evening and it will feel just like Kayden feels and YOU won’t have the performance anxiety and the Fleshlight won’t obsess over it.

It is there whenever you need it and it does seem more empathetic and more emotional than Kayden. It’s certainly easier to get attached to. Kayden, after all, has made a career out of being sexy, not friendly.

If you wash the Fleshlight out, its as good as new. If the real Kayden and the Fleshlight both fall off of a boat, one of them will float — and you can always jump in and save the Fleshlight.

Tim suggested I take a photo of myself banging Kayden’s Fleshlight while an 8×10 of her is taped to the wall in front of me and then send it to her. But that seems a little cruel…to me, I mean.

In all fairness Kayden approved this post and it is in jest. Kayden is one of the people I wrote about that is in my personal family, I love her very much and appreciate her being a good sport on this. If you are going to buy a fleshlight, make it Kayden’s.