Women have been duped. For anyone who doesn’t adhere to the major religions, pornography should not be a “moral” issue. If one looks at the whole of porn, its essence is no more than film of people being naked and having sex. Porn is a medium, not the source. If you get deep enough into listening to why someone is anti-porn, you will find that their reasoning has more to do with sex itself. Porn is so varied and wide that there is porn for every kind of legal, consensual sex with every category of man and woman: all races, all nationalities, all sizes and shapes. Putting porn under one moral category as “bad” is like saying the same of mainstream films or books.
When I find people objecting to porn (primarily women) who are not religious, the objection usually revolves around disgust. “Ew!” they say. “Gross!” “Disgusting!” Yet, these same people will say, “I’m not a prude,” or “I have nothing against sex.” These are lies. They must be since porn is just a depiction of nudity and sex. Many of these same people will have no objection to watching mainstream films with simulated sex (i.e., Mulholland Drive, Eyes Wide Shut). Porno is the reality of sex brought to the page or screen. Anyone who chooses to register disgust is, in actuality, revealing his or her own shame issues about sex, in private or on exhibition. The high incidence of shame around sex may exist in part because of women’s lack of exposure to professional depictions of it. Mainstream movies are never specific, romance novels are more interested in titillating than informing, and sex ed classes are at a “sex beginners” level. No copy of Kama Sutra can give you as much information as 2 (or more) real people performing the positions before your very eyes. Sexual discussions among women can often be where the lessons of shame are taught and reinforced. This is not to say that men don’t have shame issues, but men are more regularly able to glimpse a world of shameless sex in porn. These regular visits to that world also teach men how sexual professionals {some might even say “artists”) perform. This constant study leads to a gap in sexual information. Obviously men and women as a whole are having the same amount of sex, so there is an equal amount of that kind of experience. Yet there is a much higher standard of “what’s weird” among men
because they are regularly exposed to sexual professionals/artists. An analogy: If men and women grow up participating in the same amount of basketball in gym class, but, in addition, the men watch the NBA and the women do not–who’s going to know more about basketball as an adult? Even if they play an equal amount every month in IM leagues? No matter how many times the women watch Love and Basketball, Hoosiers and The Air Up There, they will not have as much information about basketball as men who are watching the professionals do it for real. This information will not determine any individual’s skill level; but it will cause a knowledge gap generally between the men and the women.
This knowledge gap also keeps many men’s sexual shame from disappearing: when they try something they’ve seen often in porn and their partner says “ew!” This also leads to frustration with his partner for being disgusted with something he thinks is normal. If “ew” happens too often, he’s going to begin to wish he had another partner. Not necessarily one who is “more sexually liberated,” but one he considers “normal”, or who doesn’t have “problems with sex.” This knowledge gap also answers the naysayers who proclaim, “I just don’t need to see that.” Guess what…you just might. One issue for the woman who doesn’t object to the concept of porn, but who has chosen to view it rarely, is quality–porn is depiction of sex, and that’s all it is. Yes, there are tons (literally) of videos that are just that–videos, not films. They are the moving version of the stroke mag. But for the person who doesn’t watch a lot of porn, there is more than enough out there for you. Go into it knowing that the best ones are still only going to have the quality of a low budget 90’s MTV video. Also go into it knowing that people who really love acting go into…acting. In Hollywood movies. On Broadway. In community theater. People in porn want to have lots of sex, and/or are good at having sex. The highest paid porn stars in the world will make a few million during their careers. The highest paid mainstream actors will make hundreds of millions. Those dedicated to acting are not going to ruin their chances at a big time career by making porn. That leaves to porn the people for whom having the art of acting is secondary to having sex. Also, Hollywood’s fear of showing sex in films helps create this situation. If they only know the video revenue of well-done Hollywood movies about sexuality! Caligula, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, and 9 1/2 Weeks are still among video’s top renters years after their initial releases. Sex being pushed into the porn ghetto creates a situation wherein the most serious and talented porn directors don’t have the incentive to make films with both a good story and unfiltered sexual expression. Sex must always be fully displayed or the porn consumer won’t buy it. The mainstream film consumer won’t buy it even if it’s on the shelf next to Titanic because that consumer won’t have heard of the movie or anyone in it. Porn directors don’t have anywhere near the budgets of mainstream films to hire recognizable names. Even if they did, what Hollywood actor with any kind of box office draw would do a porno? And if a porn director did have a Hollywood-level budget, he would probably make a Hollywood movie, which has the potential for a higher return on investment than a porno. On top of all this, porn directors with real talent for moviemaking are offered lucrative jobs in the mainstream industry. Women porn consumers need to tell the person in the store what you want. It can be blinding to walk into a porn room in a video store. The manager on duty should be able to give you what you want if you tell her exactly. If you’re going to hedge, you’ll be unsatisfied. Ask for a VCA or Wicked feature (not compilation). Ask for Greg Dark or Michael Ninn (porn directors who are good enough to make mainstream product). This brings me back to the issue of shame. I understand that the shame and disgust women have regarding porn is not just from the depiction of sexuality but also the experience of encountering porn. Online, it’s a surprise annoyance that pops up on your screen and clutters your mailbox. Most online porn is in the form of pictures, which don’t have the educational value I’m talking about. Going to an edifice to get a video has its baggage. Even the most woman-friendly sex shop cannot overcome many women’s fear of being associated with active sexuality by any stranger or annoying acquaintance who sees them in or around Le Sex Shoppe. Many women have said they don’t want to be seen as a “slut” by others who might judge them so, even if they know they are not one. The fear of being labeled “slut” is not a minimal one, because being labeled that entails real danger for women. Danger of being harassed or worse. The danger can run the gamut from office gossip that gets you a reputation to anything worse. These things can happen for any reason, not just visiting a sex shop, but our culture has taught women to fear exhibiting sexuality by punishing women time after time for doing so. In fact, I’ve come to find that many women respond with “ew” to porn or sex toys automatically, as a defense mechanism, then finding out the same woman seeks them out on a regular basis. The women in the porn videos are the best examples of courage in the face of “slut”. Many embrace it with pride the way many groups take control of insults and turn them into in-group compliments. Despite the fact that there are hundreds of women performers in the porn world at any one time, and thousands more who want to be in it, many women discount them. Some women even think there is something mentally wrong with these women. What porn fans see in them is lack of shame, pride even, that seems lacking in a sex partner who hates porn. Porn viewers know that behind the scenes everyone is constantly STD-tested, and that everything that occurs onscreen is legal and consensual. The porn industry is like the world’s biggest, safest swinger’s club. Yes, there are currents of misogyny in porn. There are also such currents in mainstream films and books. However, porn is so vast that someone could watch a porn a week and never see a woman-hating work. But porn-haters don’t know this because they make a lot of assumptions. Some think “men like it so much, it must be misogynistic.” But in porn there is no one saying “Do I look fat in this?” or “I hate the way I look in my bathing suit” or “I don’t even look at my body in the mirror now that I’m over 40.” Porn is an escape from a culture in which women hate our own bodies enough for both genders. Every body type is worshipped in porn. Anyone who has even looked at the porn rack in a convenience store knows that porn is not just Playboy. It is Players and Plumpers and Plus 40. Even porn videos in which someone is being insulted or slapped is, on its surface, not about hating the slapped person, but more about the slapped person enjoying sex so much that even those things feel good. Often, the slappee is slapping right back.
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April 9, 2024
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