Traditionally this is a quiet month in porn. I ran across this and thought the satire to be pretty wicked so enjoy.
New AVN Award Categories I’d Like to See
– Calico Rudasill, Sssh.com Porn For Women and Couples.
It’s that time of year again – AVN Award nominations season, when porn producers, directors, stars and studios find out if they’ve made the cut for honors such as Best Actress, Best Art Direction and Best Double Penetration Sex Scene (as opposed to Best Double Penetration Scene Not Involving Sex, I presume).
Many scoff at these AVN awards, mocking them as “wannabe Oscars”, but at least nobody calls them “wannabe Grammies” –because there isn’t one person left on Earth who gives even a tiny little shit about Grammies. Hell, even the fucking Reality Wanted awards have more credibility than the Grammies, at this point.
A lot of people also complain there are too many AVN Award categories, but on this point I couldn’t disagree more; if anything, AVN has been ignoring whole genres of porn for far too long.
Where, for example, is the award for Best Site Featuring Primarily Content to which it has No Copyright?
Granted, if AVN were to establish such an award, it would be largely duplicative of previous “Surfer’s Choice” awards, and people within the industry would complain about the category being dominated by tube sites. Still, profligate copyright violation is among the most popular “business models” in the modern adult industry, and these sites deserve some recognition from their peers the producers whose content they have worked so hard to steal.
actually AVN Actually did give an AVN award to pornhub so they kinda did do this one]
Staying with the web-side of the adult industry, I also think it’s about damn time we had a category for the Most Egregious Use of Popup and Popunder Ads for LiveJasmin . com.
Look, it’s not a trivial thing to get around the ad-blocking plugins available for Chrome; the intrepid porn-pushers who figure out how it’s done ought to get more than the occasional investigation by the consumer-protection division of the FTC in recognition of their fine work, don’t you think?
In fact, I think the AVN Awards have ignored the adult industry’s IT people for far too long, in general. To rectify this almost unforgiveable snubbing, it’s time for a couple other tech-focused awards to go with the new Popup ads honor: Best Use of Malware on a Porn Site and Most Creative Russian Hacker.
My suggestions thus far reflect an admitted “web bias” on my part, in part because I do almost all my porn consuming online. I haven’t forgotten about the Old Porn School, however: Obviously, new categories are needed for the porn-luddites of the world, too.
I hesitate to suggest it, because the competition for such an industry honor clearly would be fierce, but there’s a manifest need for a Most Pathetic, Despicable, Uncreative Porn-Publicity Stunt category. The only problems with that one will be limiting the number of nominees to less than 50, and deciding what is truly more despicable: Making porn-job offers to alleged murderers, or giving a couple embroiled in a domestic violence controversy the (entirely unsought) opportunity to fuck on film for money.
Of course, no awards show is complete without its Lifetime Achievement-style award, which AVN occasionally offers but desperately needs to expand. Instead of just awarding people for their long careers in the industry, or innovations they might have brought to the table over the years, we need to start acknowledging some of the more remarkable douchebags the industry has counted among its ranks.
For example, how about an In-Prison-for-Lifetime Achievement award to recognize the many porno-pugilistic contributions of John “War Machine” Koppenhaver, or a Batshit Crazy for Lifetime Achievement award for the likes of ex-pornstar Shelley Lubben? (One thing is for sure, they wouldn’t have trouble coming up with nominees for the latter, each and every year….)
Some say adult entertainment award shows are superfluous and irrelevant, but I think all they need is a little creativity, to be a little more reflective of the realities of the modern industry – and to get more granular in detail.
Yes, we already honor the Best Anal Release (thankfully, in context, “Release” refers to the release of the movie, and not one’s bowels) but why not stop and take a moment to acknowledge the Greatest Gapes and Most Righteous Rim-Jobs therein, individually?
Maybe it’s a TV schedule thing, or maybe they just want to leave plenty of time for the comedic stylings of whatever comedian you’ve never heard of is hosting the awards show this year, but personally, I think it’s a shame.
If Hollywood can fill an entire weekend with red carpet walks, candid interviews with actors who aren’t nominated for anything but who look simply fabulous in that dress and self-righteous speeches about weighty social issues the speaker doesn’t remotely comprehend, why can’t the porn industry do the same?
We are the Official Industry of Excess, damn it; it’s about time our awards shows started reflecting that fact, by taking a full week to conduct.
Anything less is just an insult to our fans…. all of whom have long since changed the channel, anyway.
7 Responses
New Avn Award Categories from http://t.co/qUKVHCadtb http://t.co/tfUzHPtUDc
Whiteacre and I don’t agree on much lately (actually he can go fuck himself with a pitchfork) but one thing that we probably agree on is that Shelley Lubben needs to go suck Marc Wallice’s dick and get AIDS. Maybe she can give AIDS to her husband Garrett as well. I can honestly say just about everyone in porn thinks the same about Shelley Lubben and her suitcase pimp husband Garrett.
In all honesty I have no problem with Shelly, or the xxx church or jesus girls or whomever else. they really dont pose a threat to the industry not like morality in media or some of those clowns who think they have the divine right to determine what it is I can or cant watch
When Shelly sticks to helping girls that shouldnt be here get out or girls that shouldnt get in in the first place she is really doing us a favor…ditto xxx church and the like.
About 90% of what Uncle Peg claimed about Shelly turned out not to be true…surprise surprise….and in fairness my limited dealings with Shelly have been pleasant and respectful on both sides….I think you accomplish more that way anyhow.
If you believe everything Whiteacre writes and slanders people along with Tompkins and Mark Spiegler your a idiot. They stalk and slander people all day and go run and hide.
Are these AVN categories part of the trophy optional awards section?
I think there should be AVN awards in the category of Adult Forum Poster. Awards could include “Biggest Bullshitter;” “Longest, Most Meandering Post”;”Biggest Shill for a Porn Site;”and “Most Failed Attempts at Humor.”
Nominees? How about you, Matthew…can you think of any?
I can think of a few, Rob. How about “Company With The Most Bounced Checks”, “Guy Who Sent His Wife To Prison To Get Ass Fucked By The Guards Nightly” and “Guy Who Got Ass Fucked The Most In Prison”. I will admit that I could qualify for the most meandering post award but biggest bullshitter goes to Whiteacre (especially after his recent D- graded expose on me — nice try), I can’t think of anyone for biggest shill or most failed attempts at humor. If I get nominated for any awards (I don’t expect to) I will wobble my ass up on the stage and accept the award, maybe even sucking the clit of the female presenter(s) on stage — especially if they are cute like Aaliyah Love and/or Casey Calvert.
BTW I have a post in the Welcome to all Readers post about a character called Hop Sing from Bonanza. You might want to read it, it is very interesting considering you chose that name as your handle.
Also, you can call me Matt (just as I don’t call you Robert). Only Whiteacre and the government call me by my full name.