TIMCASE: THE MOTION PICTURE
or
YOU CAN TUNE A PIANO BUT YOU CAN’T TUNA PUSSY
(a Steve Lane Production)
FADE IN:
1. INT. PORN “BAR” SET — SOMEWHERE IN THE VALLEY
On a reflection in a metallic backdrop…two people are having sex, and as
our POV pulls back it becomes clear that what we are seeing is the distorted
image of two lean bodies, humping rhythmically under hot lights. The sounds
we hear are the overexagerated moaning of a practiced porn actress.
We continue to pull farther back, revealing a man and a woman fucking on a
table in a generic “bar” set…clothes are on the floor nearby…a single
cameraman stands in the booth, shooting directly at the action…a boom mike
hangs overhead, with a bored sound man holding it…a PA is kneeling nearby
with a towel over one shoulder and a bottle of lube in one hand, box of baby
wipes on the floor at his feet.
Our POV then goes into a long TRACKING SHOT which reveals a typical porn set
in the following sequence:
Near the action sits a small folding table with two monitors on it. Behind
the monitors two men are sitting, watching the scene, making comments. As we
move past we realize that the two men are Mike Quasar and Mike South…
A craft service table, loaded with bottles of soda and bags of chips. A
bored-looking actress in a towel with her hair up picks at a grape while
behind her a woman cooks pasta.
The only sound continues to be the fading moaning of the actors as the camera
continues to track further and further away from the action… past a
shirtless Dale Dabone, leaning on a wall and chatting up a new actress in
skimpy clothes obviously preparing for her first scene…past another actor,
filling out paperwork while a journalist interviews an actress who is getting
her hair done by a makeup artist…until our POV stops, in the very corner of
the room, and centers on TIMCASE, in jeans, black t-shirt and TOOL ball cap,
who is reading a book and oblivious to the action going on around him.
A particularly loud orgasmic shriek from the actress causes TIMCASE to look
up from his book and glance at the set, before closing his book and looking
straight into the camera.
2. INT. PORN SET – CORNER OF ROOM
C.U. on suitcase pimp. Bags and clothes are piled around him as he sits, away
from the action.
MIKE QUASAR (O.S. shouting)
Stills! Nice work, guys…let’s do the doggy next. Where the fuck is
Scooby?
TIMCASE
Hello. I’m Tim, and my girlfriend is porn actress Felicia Fox. If
you’ve never been on a porn set, you might think it would be the most
exciting place in the world.
TIMCASE glances toward the set again.
3. INT. PORN “BAR” SET
We see the ACTRESS, standing naked next to the table. The ACTOR is on the
table, down on his knees, erect and stroking himself trying to maintain his
erection. The crew is off to the side talking, ignoring the talent.
ACTRESS
Can I get some more FUCKING lube, please??? JESUS CHRIST, you people
SUCK!!!
4. INT. PORN SET – CORNER OF ROOM
TIMCASE shakes his head.
TIMCASE
Those of you who HAVE been on a porn set know better.
OK I Like the hell outta Tim but Im’m laying ten to one odds he never finishes this…..
