Women: you can’t live with them, and you can’t make money selling them into white slavery. (Not at current market rates, anyway).

Other than paying for Mike South’s dinner and watching him fall down in the parking lot at Ruby Tuesdays yesterday, I have very little to do with the porn world these days. I don’t know why I’m still writing for this site…hell, I haven’t even shot a bukkake in over a year. I still read AVN and Xbiz, though, and Mike and Lisa Sparxxx were both in our wedding a few months ago, which was cool because we love them both — Lisa, as a matter of fact, shot a gangbang just this past weekend in Dayton while wearing her bridesmaids dress. There should be an AVN Award for that. (I felt sorry for Lisa’s poor husband at our wedding. He was over in the corner of the reception hall the entire night having his brain picked by this wanna-be from Lima, who showed up uninvited and then compounded the faux pas by bringing along a guest who drank our booze, ate our food, hit on my drunken strippers and didn’t even have the decency to bring me a fucking card). Harry Weiss took the time to fly out to Dayton, and we love him for it. So did Morgen Hagen from Hustler, another prince of a guy. And we still hear from Kiki Daire once a week or so, which is great, as we adore her, too and wish her nothing but happiness. Trisha Uptown drops a line or a text now and then, and so do Adara Michaels and Robert Lombard.

[And why hasn’t Lisa Sparxxx won any porn awards during her career, goddamit? This is one special lady, who obviously loves the cock, and we need someone to give her an award, already. I don’t care who — AVN, CAVR, Nightmoves, Xbiz, XRCO - hell, someone give this little Kentucky ho an award, already.]  

But, back to porn. Hell, I don’t know. Is it still even in the Valley? The business has changed, surely, obviously, as it must — Max is in jail, for god’s sake – Jenna’s pregnant – Gram Ponante is running everything now —  I remember back in 1999 when we were having lunch with Ron Jeremy in Dayton and he told Felicia not to try and break in, because the business had just gotten too ugly. And she went on to shoot her first two years being condom-only. I wonder what he tells people now, for god’s sake? I mean other than his old stand-by, “Just let me put the tip in”.

Porn. It isn’t just for breakfast anymore. Let’s start 2009 off right, shall we? Let’s have a quiz. For lack of a better title, we’ll call this the “Kayden Kross for AVN Female Performer of the Year Quiz”. I’ll keep it simple — one question only.

Q: Which do you find more morally offensive?

a. A Chicago man buying his wife a $1400 plate?

b. The asshole with the ax to grind who wants Kayden to justify why she owns her own website, even though there are naked photos of her available online somewhere for free? [Can we all respond with one big collective “Duhhhhhh…”] 

c. The Chinese woman who is thrilled to make 11 cents per day for manufacturing those $1400 plates?

d . The Dayton boy — I hesitate to call him a man —  who I threw out of my club last week because we caught him, on a slow night, taking the money right off his pregnant girlfriend’s leg and using it to buy beer and get dances from other girls?

e.  Mike South making a living by paying my strippers to get bukkake’d by 13 pale, overweight Ohio men in a hotel room on Easter sunday?

f. The feature dance agent who presumes to own you because you pay him 12%? 

g. Wal-Mart?

 There you go. Answers may be submitted to me in care of www.tittybarboss.com, and the winner gets free admission to the Flamingo Showclub for one year. Congratulations and have a great new year.

Oh, and read Howard Zinn’s “A People’s History of the United States” when you get a chance, willya?